I called the Social Worker about donating my unused embryos this week. We had last talked about a year ago and I think that I blew her circuits. She was very happy about being part of this process.
This is just a start. We will need to figure out how to do an open embryo adoption. I have no idea what that will mean. We will have to feel our way through it.
We are going to get together in the fall and talk about what we want and how to go about it.
The Social Worker had some couples in mind last time that we talked. This will be fodder for some new postings.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Gum Day
I have a new innovation that I want to share with you. It is called "Gum Day". Gum Day is Friday and it goes like this.
Your chores have to be done and your bed made.
You are then given your own pack of gum. You choose from one of the packs that is available and you cannot change your mind after it is opened.
You are free to have a gum chewing frenzy or chew moderately over several days.
You are not given a new pack of gum before the next Gum Day no matter what happens to the gum.
If you leave wrappers lying around your next gum day moves by a day.
If you steal gum from others then you skip the next gum day.
It has helped my youngest learn when is the next Friday. It is an easy life lesson without real consequences. My kids love having their own gum and I love not being in charge of giving out gum.
Your chores have to be done and your bed made.
You are then given your own pack of gum. You choose from one of the packs that is available and you cannot change your mind after it is opened.
You are free to have a gum chewing frenzy or chew moderately over several days.
You are not given a new pack of gum before the next Gum Day no matter what happens to the gum.
If you leave wrappers lying around your next gum day moves by a day.
If you steal gum from others then you skip the next gum day.
It has helped my youngest learn when is the next Friday. It is an easy life lesson without real consequences. My kids love having their own gum and I love not being in charge of giving out gum.
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Birthday thoughts
Tomorrow is LB's birthday. Tonight the boys are in bed and the house is quiet. My DH is away on business.
I was talking to the mother of twins today. We are at the same daycare. The twins birthday is this month too. She mentioned in passing that there had been another, who didn't survive the 3 months too early birth. It ripped me wide open. I told her that I was sorry for her loss. I told her about mine. She suggested that we get together for coffee some time. I wondered whether I could do it without crying.
Tonight I am missing the unknown ones. The ones that didn't make it. The one's that didn't get to stay. I am crying as I write this. I don't even know if they were boys or girls. I never gave them names. I think that I hoped that would lessen the grief. You know the mantra. "Don't think about it. Don't talk about it. Focus on the good. Move on."
The grief just surprised me. There is so much happiness in my life. Somehow I thought that I had let that go.
Where ever you are my babies, Mummy misses you.
I was talking to the mother of twins today. We are at the same daycare. The twins birthday is this month too. She mentioned in passing that there had been another, who didn't survive the 3 months too early birth. It ripped me wide open. I told her that I was sorry for her loss. I told her about mine. She suggested that we get together for coffee some time. I wondered whether I could do it without crying.
Tonight I am missing the unknown ones. The ones that didn't make it. The one's that didn't get to stay. I am crying as I write this. I don't even know if they were boys or girls. I never gave them names. I think that I hoped that would lessen the grief. You know the mantra. "Don't think about it. Don't talk about it. Focus on the good. Move on."
The grief just surprised me. There is so much happiness in my life. Somehow I thought that I had let that go.
Where ever you are my babies, Mummy misses you.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Today
Today the trees where throwing their farewell party and I was the guest of honour. I walked the dog and it was just a perfect moment. The air was cool but I was warm in my coat. The colours and freshness was inspiring. I was there and it was good.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Telling
Okay, so we have reviewed the advice and we are wondering how are we going to do it. We decide the DH should do the first telling. He was much less freaked about the whole thing. The waiting was making me nervous. I told my DH that we had to find a natural opportunity in the next month or make our own opportunity. I was finding the waiting stressful.
Okay, so here is how it happened. LB and I were in the kitchen at the table. BB and DH were in the living room. Like a bolt out of the blue LB says to me "Did babies come from IKEA". I look at him. I realize that this is it! The moment of truth! I call Mike in from the next room. Did you hear what LB just asked? I repeated it and Mike launched into "The Telling".
"Babies come from a seed from the daddy and an egg from the mummy, but mummy's eggs didn't work so we got an egg from a nice lady. Do you have any questions?"
Both boys look at us, with this "Huh?" look on their face. Nope, no questions. LB looks at me and then says. "I meant my baby bunny". I answer, "Uh, the bunny, yes he came from IKEA".
...
Since that fateful day. We have repeated it a few times with very little reaction. LB asked again today how babies were made. I told him again. I mentioned that I had a book, would he like to see it. He said no.
The whole thing has been sort of non-event-ish. Other than my huge stress reaction. I did not realize how I had been carrying it around with me. It has been great to let go of it. The worry that I was going to be rejected has been lifted.
I am so lucky that I got to have a family.
I really liked letting go of that fear. I would like to get rid of the rest of my fears now too.
Okay, so here is how it happened. LB and I were in the kitchen at the table. BB and DH were in the living room. Like a bolt out of the blue LB says to me "Did babies come from IKEA". I look at him. I realize that this is it! The moment of truth! I call Mike in from the next room. Did you hear what LB just asked? I repeated it and Mike launched into "The Telling".
"Babies come from a seed from the daddy and an egg from the mummy, but mummy's eggs didn't work so we got an egg from a nice lady. Do you have any questions?"
Both boys look at us, with this "Huh?" look on their face. Nope, no questions. LB looks at me and then says. "I meant my baby bunny". I answer, "Uh, the bunny, yes he came from IKEA".
...
Since that fateful day. We have repeated it a few times with very little reaction. LB asked again today how babies were made. I told him again. I mentioned that I had a book, would he like to see it. He said no.
The whole thing has been sort of non-event-ish. Other than my huge stress reaction. I did not realize how I had been carrying it around with me. It has been great to let go of it. The worry that I was going to be rejected has been lifted.
I am so lucky that I got to have a family.
I really liked letting go of that fear. I would like to get rid of the rest of my fears now too.
Monday, August 09, 2010
The meeting
The day finally came. I got a babysitter and headed off to my appointment. I met with a Clinical Social Worker with a specialty in infertility. Sadly, she is one of us. She got pregnant 4 times but couldn't carry to term.
I met with her for two reasons. First to make sure that I was okay and second to get advice on what to say. We talked about a couple of things. I told her my story. You know, ten years of infertility, failure to respond to IVF, 1000 needles, and ultimately two boys through donor ovum.
We talked about my issues. How for a long time I wanted to be perfect and there are still stray pieces of that idea hanging around. Which, of course, involves punishing myself for things that I cannot control. I sometimes feel ashamed that I was unable to get pregnant without help. She suggested that I might need to work on forgiving my body for failing. I cried a bit.
I have so many blessings. I am at the good side of the infertility journey. I have my kids. I love them. I know them. I would not trade them for biological children. She said something very interesting and something that struck me as absolutely true. She said that I will never get over my infertility completely. Although I got my kids, I still didn't get the journey that I wanted. It is natural to be sad about it occasionally. I am not disrespecting what I have when I am sad about what I lost. This was big for me. I somehow thought that I needed to rise above this experience and be totally at peace with it. It is a relief to realize that my grief is normal and not an issue. I have a wound. I need to accept that I was wounded, and I don't have to pretend it will ever totally heal.
She had a lot of advice about telling. She also said that we shouldn't gather the herd and make a big announcement. The information comes as it comes.
She talked about how it is my attitude that will determine how my children react. If I am crying and freaking out then the kids will think that it is strange and upsetting information. I need to be okay with the truth of it. But, it is also okay to be sad that it went that way.
When we talk about it, it should be a body part talk and not a genetics talk. You pick your opportunity, such as an outing to a zoo, you see some babies and then say "Do you know how that happened." or "That baby is so cute. Do you know how babies start off?" Keep it short, just one or two sentences. She suggested...
"Babies come from an egg from the Mommy and seed from the Daddy. Mommy's egg was broken so we got an egg from another lady. We used her egg and Daddy's seed."
Just a short and simple thing. You pause and see if they want more information. If they don't ask for more, then you don't tell more. You repeat this a few times on different occasions, here or there. You do it naturally when the subject comes up. It is part of the truth of our lives.
Interestingly we also discussed the frozen embryos. When we get done with the "telling", I am going to go back to discuss with her what to do with them.
I had a strong reaction to this meeting. I thought that it went very well, but afterwards I did some crying and screaming in the car. I had not done that for ages. It was like old home week to be back there. You know there with all of that upset and turmoil. My mind has been filled with all this negative shit again. I had moved to a place of relative peace. This "telling" has been hanging over my head for a long time. I guess that I had been stuffing down my emotions. I need to make space for what I am feeling.
We decided the my DH would do the first "telling". He could be calmer about it.
I will blog more about the telling later.
I met with her for two reasons. First to make sure that I was okay and second to get advice on what to say. We talked about a couple of things. I told her my story. You know, ten years of infertility, failure to respond to IVF, 1000 needles, and ultimately two boys through donor ovum.
We talked about my issues. How for a long time I wanted to be perfect and there are still stray pieces of that idea hanging around. Which, of course, involves punishing myself for things that I cannot control. I sometimes feel ashamed that I was unable to get pregnant without help. She suggested that I might need to work on forgiving my body for failing. I cried a bit.
I have so many blessings. I am at the good side of the infertility journey. I have my kids. I love them. I know them. I would not trade them for biological children. She said something very interesting and something that struck me as absolutely true. She said that I will never get over my infertility completely. Although I got my kids, I still didn't get the journey that I wanted. It is natural to be sad about it occasionally. I am not disrespecting what I have when I am sad about what I lost. This was big for me. I somehow thought that I needed to rise above this experience and be totally at peace with it. It is a relief to realize that my grief is normal and not an issue. I have a wound. I need to accept that I was wounded, and I don't have to pretend it will ever totally heal.
She had a lot of advice about telling. She also said that we shouldn't gather the herd and make a big announcement. The information comes as it comes.
She talked about how it is my attitude that will determine how my children react. If I am crying and freaking out then the kids will think that it is strange and upsetting information. I need to be okay with the truth of it. But, it is also okay to be sad that it went that way.
When we talk about it, it should be a body part talk and not a genetics talk. You pick your opportunity, such as an outing to a zoo, you see some babies and then say "Do you know how that happened." or "That baby is so cute. Do you know how babies start off?" Keep it short, just one or two sentences. She suggested...
"Babies come from an egg from the Mommy and seed from the Daddy. Mommy's egg was broken so we got an egg from another lady. We used her egg and Daddy's seed."
Just a short and simple thing. You pause and see if they want more information. If they don't ask for more, then you don't tell more. You repeat this a few times on different occasions, here or there. You do it naturally when the subject comes up. It is part of the truth of our lives.
Interestingly we also discussed the frozen embryos. When we get done with the "telling", I am going to go back to discuss with her what to do with them.
I had a strong reaction to this meeting. I thought that it went very well, but afterwards I did some crying and screaming in the car. I had not done that for ages. It was like old home week to be back there. You know there with all of that upset and turmoil. My mind has been filled with all this negative shit again. I had moved to a place of relative peace. This "telling" has been hanging over my head for a long time. I guess that I had been stuffing down my emotions. I need to make space for what I am feeling.
We decided the my DH would do the first "telling". He could be calmer about it.
I will blog more about the telling later.
About 3 weeks ago
Time is crawling by way too slowly. The kids are having a great time, but I am not. So I am sitting here at one of those kids indoor playgrounds and I am feeling like a fraud. All these women, with babies that they started in their own bodies, probably without any help. Would they judge me if they knew? Pity me? Turn away disgusted?
I am having an attack of infertility thinking. It doesn't often happen, but I am allowing my thoughts to turn this way. Here I am tapping into the great internal fear. I am going to let the secret out. What will be the outcome? The research says that boys often don't care and aren't even that curious. It seems highly unlikely that the boys will reject me. It is the not knowing that has me on edge. I am trying to hang onto that illusion of controlling the world around me.
Will I be found unworthy?
I am having an attack of infertility thinking. It doesn't often happen, but I am allowing my thoughts to turn this way. Here I am tapping into the great internal fear. I am going to let the secret out. What will be the outcome? The research says that boys often don't care and aren't even that curious. It seems highly unlikely that the boys will reject me. It is the not knowing that has me on edge. I am trying to hang onto that illusion of controlling the world around me.
Will I be found unworthy?
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