Post Christmas Regrets

Yes, I have not been here for a while. I am still reading other people's blogs, but I have not been posting. Sometimes I think about posting, but...

 So, I agreed to have a Xmas bash on the 27th for my family. In addition to dinner for 14, I had 4 people sleep over that night and then 2 stayed a second night. My 84 year old Mother with Alzheimer's was the most helpful person. A few helped get the meal on the table, but after dinner I was on we were on our own. Now, I did refuse my Mother's help in front of the others, but no one did more than 5 minutes of clean up. I cleaned my kitchen for over 2 hours with my husband while my family partied on. I had to clean up, I had 8 people to feed breakfast in the morning. After I had been cleaning for an hour, one of my sisters sauntered in and told me "We are tired and are going to bed. See you in the morning." My other sister came into the kitchen and talked to me for 20 minutes while I cleaned. She said "I am waiting for the others to be done in the bathroom".

 I feel like, well like, I slept with them and they did not respect me in the morning.

 To top if off, the sister who stayed over 2 nights was a bitch to my mother. I know that Alzheimer's is frustrating, but she is my mother and I don't like hearing someone talk to her like that. She was impatient and rude with her. My Mother is is sweet and gentle lady. I am mad at myself for not being more direct with her when she did it. It was just kind of shocking. My sister does have some rather severe health issues of her own, but I will NEVER have them both to stay again. I will not have that repeated in my house.

Maybe I am off the mark? Would you expect family that was staying in your home to help you clean up? Maybe I would have refused the help, but I would have liked if someone had offered.

 All I know is, when someone suggests this next year, I will have other plans.

I don't want to play with my kids!

Okay, that is not entirely accurate. I do play with my kids, but there is a part of me that cannot stand it. It hurts. I set timers so that I can get through it. I enjoy it, but it is almost like I am going to get punished if I don't stop. It is a relief when it is over. It is better when we are doing something that is educational or if the kids are not having too much fun. I have no idea why. I know that my mother and father did not play with me, especially when I was younger. I played with my siblings. I did chores with my Dad to spend time with him. There was a feeling of being tolerated. I don't want to be like this! Does anyone else feel this way? I also have a hard time tuning in when they want me. I am slightly hard of hearing. I don't want to be interrupted when I am concentrating on something. But, I hate it when the kids show the same behaviour to me. I know this is part of why my youngest misbehaves. He can feel my indifference. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my kids. I am warm and loving with them, just please don't ask me to play.

Soccer

Okay, my 5 year old is in soccer. He was at a game and there was a boy on the opposing team that was very overweight. He was running around and playing like the rest of the kids. I found my eyes on him. He was probably 30 pounds overweight. His legs were easily twice the size of any other kid. He was 2 kids thick. So LB was on the field playing and then he came off and we were sitting together. I noticed that the Mother of the heavy boy and the heavy boy were making their way over to where we were sitting.

The Mother confronted us. It seems that LB told the heavy boy that he was fat, twice. The heavy boys Mother said something like "We are all friends playing soccer and you upset my son. You made him cry by calling him fat. I want you to apologize." LB admitted that he called the boy "fat" and I made him apologize. It was awkward to say the least.

Afterwards, it left me with the oddest feeling. I mean, personal comments are not nice. It is something that kids do and need to learn not to do, but... he was fat. I mean really fat. Their whole family was fat.

I don't know what else I could have done. I watched the boy myself because he was really really fat. I don't know if it is possible for the Mother to stop enough kids from calling him fat to save his feelings. He is fat. Not mentioning it won't change it.

I know that his weight was none of my business. What would you have done?

My DH is away right now on business. I miss him. I have this song stuck in my head.




The problem with being happily married is that it sucks when they are away and my DH has been travelling on business about 50% of the time in the last year.

Donating

I called the Social Worker about donating my unused embryos this week. We had last talked about a year ago and I think that I blew her circuits. She was very happy about being part of this process.

This is just a start. We will need to figure out how to do an open embryo adoption. I have no idea what that will mean. We will have to feel our way through it.

We are going to get together in the fall and talk about what we want and how to go about it.

The Social Worker had some couples in mind last time that we talked. This will be fodder for some new postings.

Gum Day

I have a new innovation that I want to share with you. It is called "Gum Day". Gum Day is Friday and it goes like this.

Your chores have to be done and your bed made.
You are then given your own pack of gum. You choose from one of the packs that is available and you cannot change your mind after it is opened.
You are free to have a gum chewing frenzy or chew moderately over several days.
You are not given a new pack of gum before the next Gum Day no matter what happens to the gum.
If you leave wrappers lying around your next gum day moves by a day.
If you steal gum from others then you skip the next gum day.

It has helped my youngest learn when is the next Friday. It is an easy life lesson without real consequences. My kids love having their own gum and I love not being in charge of giving out gum.

Birthday thoughts

Tomorrow is LB's birthday. Tonight the boys are in bed and the house is quiet. My DH is away on business.

I was talking to the mother of twins today. We are at the same daycare. The twins birthday is this month too. She mentioned in passing that there had been another, who didn't survive the 3 months too early birth. It ripped me wide open. I told her that I was sorry for her loss. I told her about mine. She suggested that we get together for coffee some time. I wondered whether I could do it without crying.

Tonight I am missing the unknown ones. The ones that didn't make it. The one's that didn't get to stay. I am crying as I write this. I don't even know if they were boys or girls. I never gave them names. I think that I hoped that would lessen the grief. You know the mantra. "Don't think about it. Don't talk about it. Focus on the good. Move on."

The grief just surprised me. There is so much happiness in my life. Somehow I thought that I had let that go.

Where ever you are my babies, Mummy misses you.