In our journey through life things happen. Some are good and some are definitely not. I have been working on my stuff; mainly so I don't pass it on to my kids. Like so many others, unfortunately, I was a victim of child sexual abuse. It didn't happen often and luckily the worst did not happen, but I was scarred by it. This might be a good place to stop reading.
It was an evil man that we will call "Uncle K". He was not a blood relative not that it matters, and yes he was my uncle. As an adult I have found out that I was not the only one that he touched. I am not sure how old that I was. I know that I could not have been more that 8. He touched my bre@sts and put his hands inside my clothing. One time I remember him putting his hands down my p@nts. I was struggling to get away and another child opening the door and then I escaped.
So much pain came my way because of this man. He is the reason why I never attend the family reunions. He is the reason I am so afraid for my sons.
I don't know how to let go of this. I want to. My problem is that I am afraid that he is still out there preying on children. He has children and grandchildren. Do they know? His wife looks like she has swallowed a bitter pill. Does she know?
I know that he is still evil because he groped me at my fathers funeral 2 years ago.
I don't know where to go from here. I wish that he would die.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Monday, October 08, 2007
End of an Era
Last week the date finally came and it was time to let the dog go. We made the appointment for Friday so that we could have the weekend to help the kids in case they were upset. Of course, it would be easier for us too. I gave him a nice walk and then fed him quite a bit of cheese. My husband came home so that I could go alone with the dog. The dog had always loved me best and I wanted to be there for him. I was trying to be calm because I had to got out to do this thing, but my husband started to cry. DH is such an amazingly caring guy. I am so very lucky to have him.
We arrived for the appointment at the end of the day. I paid the money and since we had decided to have him cremated, I had to fill in forms. One of the assistants showed me a choice of font for the cedar box for the remains and I told her that she would have to pick. I had no opinion. I was still trying to be calm, but obviously it was wearing a bit thin. We got him into the room and onto the table. He has never really minded the vet because she fed him! The vet had these bacon strips and I can tell you he really enjoyed them. I was feeding him bacon strips while she gave him the injection and I don't think he even noticed what she was doing. I was trying not to cry, and failing horribly. Alright, I was bawling and telling him he was a good dog over and over. Finally the vet told me that he was gone. Then I entered the realm of deep sobs. They were very kind and gave me time alone with him. I didn't want to stop petting him because then he would really be gone. Since I had had the foresight to have paid everything I was able to just leave. Of course, I was in no shape to drive even the short distance home so I sat in the car and tried to pull myself together. Another women was just arriving at the vet to pick up the ashes of her late cat. Her cat had died unexpected at home after dental surgery. It helped a lot to share a few moments with her. When I got home, my youngest was just waking up. I was numb.
My youngest in not yet two and so while I tried to explain to him that our dog had died, I am not sure what he understood. I told him the dog was broken and could not be fixed. At one point in the weekend, he patted the dog bed and looked at me questioningly. He was looking like he wanted to say "where is he?" I had put the dog dishes away and he got them out again and wanted me to fill them. I know that he is young enough that the will have no memory of our dog and in a way that hurts even more.
My oldest took the news quite calmly. We had been talking about how sick the dog was and how it did not look like he was getting better. We told him that we took the dog to the vet and that the dog died there. We did not want to get into the issue of putting animals to sleep. He is not yet 6 and I don't think he is ready for the concept. We have been getting questions here and there about heaven. We are not religious, but I believe in heaven. I don't believe in hell but that is a discussion for another day. We talked about him playing with another of our dogs who died before he was born. The next day he told me that he had a dream and that the dog is fine now. I hope that he is right.
My DH and I have been feeling sad. My DH had to go away overnight and the dog was not there. It is funny how it is the habits that trip you up. You think, "Does the dog have enough water?" or "Walk time." and then have that moment of realization again. It was time to let go. He was falling and loosing himself. He was having moments of obvious confusion, despite the drugs. I know we have done the right thing, but I just miss him.
We arrived for the appointment at the end of the day. I paid the money and since we had decided to have him cremated, I had to fill in forms. One of the assistants showed me a choice of font for the cedar box for the remains and I told her that she would have to pick. I had no opinion. I was still trying to be calm, but obviously it was wearing a bit thin. We got him into the room and onto the table. He has never really minded the vet because she fed him! The vet had these bacon strips and I can tell you he really enjoyed them. I was feeding him bacon strips while she gave him the injection and I don't think he even noticed what she was doing. I was trying not to cry, and failing horribly. Alright, I was bawling and telling him he was a good dog over and over. Finally the vet told me that he was gone. Then I entered the realm of deep sobs. They were very kind and gave me time alone with him. I didn't want to stop petting him because then he would really be gone. Since I had had the foresight to have paid everything I was able to just leave. Of course, I was in no shape to drive even the short distance home so I sat in the car and tried to pull myself together. Another women was just arriving at the vet to pick up the ashes of her late cat. Her cat had died unexpected at home after dental surgery. It helped a lot to share a few moments with her. When I got home, my youngest was just waking up. I was numb.
My youngest in not yet two and so while I tried to explain to him that our dog had died, I am not sure what he understood. I told him the dog was broken and could not be fixed. At one point in the weekend, he patted the dog bed and looked at me questioningly. He was looking like he wanted to say "where is he?" I had put the dog dishes away and he got them out again and wanted me to fill them. I know that he is young enough that the will have no memory of our dog and in a way that hurts even more.
My oldest took the news quite calmly. We had been talking about how sick the dog was and how it did not look like he was getting better. We told him that we took the dog to the vet and that the dog died there. We did not want to get into the issue of putting animals to sleep. He is not yet 6 and I don't think he is ready for the concept. We have been getting questions here and there about heaven. We are not religious, but I believe in heaven. I don't believe in hell but that is a discussion for another day. We talked about him playing with another of our dogs who died before he was born. The next day he told me that he had a dream and that the dog is fine now. I hope that he is right.
My DH and I have been feeling sad. My DH had to go away overnight and the dog was not there. It is funny how it is the habits that trip you up. You think, "Does the dog have enough water?" or "Walk time." and then have that moment of realization again. It was time to let go. He was falling and loosing himself. He was having moments of obvious confusion, despite the drugs. I know we have done the right thing, but I just miss him.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Walking the dog
Today when LB, the dog and I went for a walk we had an experience that was unpleasant. We had just crossed the street and we were paused for what I commonly call a "walk and poop". My dog is unable to "go" unless he continues to walk. Anyway, a car full of teenage boys drove by and yelled "Hey, your dog is taking a shit." I was actually aware of that fact, but teenage boys must like to state the obvious. I did my duty and picked up the product. The car full of boys had turned around meanwhile and they yelled something else as they drove by the other way. The only word that I caught was "f**k". Sometimes not having perfect hearing is a blessing. While I admit I have some curiousity about what was said, somehow I think that I am better of not knowing. As we continued our walk I wondered about teenage boys and what makes them think that others are interested in their input? Will my boys be those boys in the car some day?
My DH suggested that I should have got the license plate or taken a picture. They might have enjoyed explaining their behaviour to the cops and their parents.
It reminded me of another day walking down the street when I was a University student. It was a hot summer day and I was going to meet a friend. I was wearing a skirt and a top, nothing flashy really. Another car full of teenagers passed me and one of them leaned out the window and yelled "I'd like to F**k you up the a$$". I went apeshit. Without a moments hesitation or even thinking about my safety, I started yelling things like "How dare you?" and "You have no right to talk to me like that!" The car stopped at a red light about 200 yards in front of me. The boy almost fell out of the car window yelling back at me. People on the street noticed and were staring. The other guys in the car were trying their best to pull the other guy back into the car. The light turned green and took off in a hurry. I had forgotten all about it.
My DH suggested that I should have got the license plate or taken a picture. They might have enjoyed explaining their behaviour to the cops and their parents.
It reminded me of another day walking down the street when I was a University student. It was a hot summer day and I was going to meet a friend. I was wearing a skirt and a top, nothing flashy really. Another car full of teenagers passed me and one of them leaned out the window and yelled "I'd like to F**k you up the a$$". I went apeshit. Without a moments hesitation or even thinking about my safety, I started yelling things like "How dare you?" and "You have no right to talk to me like that!" The car stopped at a red light about 200 yards in front of me. The boy almost fell out of the car window yelling back at me. People on the street noticed and were staring. The other guys in the car were trying their best to pull the other guy back into the car. The light turned green and took off in a hurry. I had forgotten all about it.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Food colouring.
I heard about an interesting study where they looked at food colouring and preservatives and there affect on kids. It seems that even kids without ADHD and ADD became hyper on a diet that included the mixing of sodium benzoate and food colouring.
I have printed this off for myself so that I can read the labels on foods. Scarey!
Among the additives studied were:
* E211, sodium benzoate, a preservative used to extend shelf-life of food and drinks. (Which is in a hell of a lot of foods)
* E102, tartrazine, a yellow food dye used in ice cream, soft drinks and fish sticks.
* E104, quinoline yellow, a yellow dye used in soft drinks, cosmetics and medications.
* E110, sunset yellow, a dye used in yogurts and sweets.
* E122, carmoisine, a coal tar derivative used in sweets and yogurts.
* E129, allura red, a dye used in pop drinks and bubble gum.
Here is a link to an article on the study. http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2007/09/06/additives-lancet.html?ref=rss
I have printed this off for myself so that I can read the labels on foods. Scarey!
Among the additives studied were:
* E211, sodium benzoate, a preservative used to extend shelf-life of food and drinks. (Which is in a hell of a lot of foods)
* E102, tartrazine, a yellow food dye used in ice cream, soft drinks and fish sticks.
* E104, quinoline yellow, a yellow dye used in soft drinks, cosmetics and medications.
* E110, sunset yellow, a dye used in yogurts and sweets.
* E122, carmoisine, a coal tar derivative used in sweets and yogurts.
* E129, allura red, a dye used in pop drinks and bubble gum.
Here is a link to an article on the study. http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2007/09/06/additives-lancet.html?ref=rss
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
My dog
A while ago I wrote a blog (I hate my dog) that revealed some of the dark feeling I had about my dog. As it usually is, blogging was quite therapeutic and made me realize that I was angry with my dog for getting old and being angry made me feel guilty. This helped me a lot. My focus changed and I started to accept him for who he was and not for who I wanted him to be (immortal). He has so many great traits. But, now he is on the maximum pain meds and they and not doing what we hoped any more. To get up he now has to roll his back end to get it underneath and he doesn't always make it the first time. It is time to let go. In so many ways he is still the puppy that I found, near death from starvation, at the end of the driveway when I went to get the Sunday paper. Tonight when I came home from yoga he did his usual circle of happiness, ears open, head down, stuffed animal in his mouth. He wants to be petted, but only after he does each circuit around the house. Crazy dog!
I have made the appointment. I cried through the phone call. I asked the questions, got the answers and this weekend I am going to let him go. I am going to miss that big gentle black lab.
Now I have to figure out how to share the news with my sons. My 5 yr old knows that the dog is sick. I want to be as honest as possible. Do you tell you kids that you are putting the dog or just that he died. I am a stickler for honesty. I even struggle with Santa and the Easter bunny. I wish I knew what would be the best way to go.
I have made the appointment. I cried through the phone call. I asked the questions, got the answers and this weekend I am going to let him go. I am going to miss that big gentle black lab.
Now I have to figure out how to share the news with my sons. My 5 yr old knows that the dog is sick. I want to be as honest as possible. Do you tell you kids that you are putting the dog or just that he died. I am a stickler for honesty. I even struggle with Santa and the Easter bunny. I wish I knew what would be the best way to go.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Good news
I finally got the results and while I do have a small kidney stone in the right kidney, I do NOT have anything else. This is good news of course. I have now had an ultrasound, a CT scan, a gastroscopy, and a colonoscopy and no one knows why I have such terrible gas and indigestion. I am at my wits end trying to figure out what to do next. Of course, the doctor called while I was out and I will have to make a new appointment to find out what to do next. I am not giving up. I may try a naturopath next to see if eastern medicine can help me.
My DH has the flu which means that the Canada Day long weekend has been a bit of a bust. Like most men, he is totally incapable when sick. I am still getting over a cold, but I am the Mother and so I just keep going.
I have been kind of sick of myself lately. I have been focusing too much on the negative. In my blog I often complain. I guess I need the opportunity for the support, but I am worried that it takes too much space in my head.
My youngest is at a truely adorable age. Yes, he does get frustrated at times, but I love the soft bable of protospeech. His soft ululations can be quite adorable. We are thinking about getting him into part-time daycare in September. There is a new school that is based on reggio emilia and looks great.
My oldest is home for the summer and did so well in Montessori school that we gave him a Lego Firehouse (over 600 pieces). He LOVES it. He did a great job building it, with help of course. He is such a straight arrow. His teacher thinks that he will be a police officer when he grows up.
He is thrilled that his little brother is now old enough for time outs. You could practically sell him a ticket to watch it.
They are both such sweet boys. I am so lucky that I was given this gift. I am not religious in a formal sense, but I am thankful every day that the universe sent them my way. I have been reading a lot of blogs lately where other women are on the same journey that I took. They are finished with their own eggs and looking to find donors. I wish I had a way of making that road easier and guaranteeing them the outcomes that they so desperately seek. I don't know if it is helpful to know that someone else made it? I hope it is!
My DH has the flu which means that the Canada Day long weekend has been a bit of a bust. Like most men, he is totally incapable when sick. I am still getting over a cold, but I am the Mother and so I just keep going.
I have been kind of sick of myself lately. I have been focusing too much on the negative. In my blog I often complain. I guess I need the opportunity for the support, but I am worried that it takes too much space in my head.
My youngest is at a truely adorable age. Yes, he does get frustrated at times, but I love the soft bable of protospeech. His soft ululations can be quite adorable. We are thinking about getting him into part-time daycare in September. There is a new school that is based on reggio emilia and looks great.
My oldest is home for the summer and did so well in Montessori school that we gave him a Lego Firehouse (over 600 pieces). He LOVES it. He did a great job building it, with help of course. He is such a straight arrow. His teacher thinks that he will be a police officer when he grows up.
He is thrilled that his little brother is now old enough for time outs. You could practically sell him a ticket to watch it.
They are both such sweet boys. I am so lucky that I was given this gift. I am not religious in a formal sense, but I am thankful every day that the universe sent them my way. I have been reading a lot of blogs lately where other women are on the same journey that I took. They are finished with their own eggs and looking to find donors. I wish I had a way of making that road easier and guaranteeing them the outcomes that they so desperately seek. I don't know if it is helpful to know that someone else made it? I hope it is!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Back from Hiding
Well, as you may have noticed I have not been around for a while. I finally had a colonoscopy and gastroscopy. I had two polyps removed and now I am waiting to see if, well, you know. The Dr thought everything went fine. He thinks something might be pushing against my stomach. I am going for a CT on Monday. I am scared shitless. I know something is wrong. I can feel it. Now a days you get demerol and valium before the colonoscopy (drugs can be your friend), but there was something in there that hurt even through the meds and that is not normal.
I have been focusing lately on not being busy for the sake of being busy. So often we validate ourselves based on how busy we are. I am refocusing on trying to appreciate the little things.
My youngest is such a joy these days. He is working on speaking and has the biggest smile you can imagine. I am so lucky in so many ways. I just have to hope that my luck holds!
I have been focusing lately on not being busy for the sake of being busy. So often we validate ourselves based on how busy we are. I am refocusing on trying to appreciate the little things.
My youngest is such a joy these days. He is working on speaking and has the biggest smile you can imagine. I am so lucky in so many ways. I just have to hope that my luck holds!
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