My IVF Past

I look at the detailed summaries that others post of their IVF cycles with awe. I have trouble even remembering how many times we tried. I am pretty sure that we tried 3 times before we did two successful DE cycles. I know we did all the usual tests, took the drugs and here we are now, but I could not give you a coherent description of it. I guess that it was the stress. I know that it was a nightmare of stress and worry. I know that it put my marriage under huge stress and luckily for us we came through it together, stronger and more in love. The first IVF was horrible and we were like two people drifting along in a fog. During the second IVF we had a huge fight. DH forgot to come home to give me a shot. He met an old friend and went out for a drink. (This was in the days before cell phones.) On his way home he remembered and came home horribly upset. He totally freaked out and so did I. When I saw him cry, I realized that he really loved me. He was in over his head too. From that point on we worked together on all of it. It made our marriage.

The needles are the thing that I remember most about our treatments. Since I am a visual learner, I tried not to watch or even see the needles. My DH humoured me in this fantasy that not watching would make it easier. I did relaxation breathing and tried hard to be calm for my needles. It didn't always work. Much to my later embarrassment, my DH practically had to hold me down one time. Luckily he has about 100 pounds on me. I took a lot of needles. I turned out to need a lot of estrogen, so no patches for me, just shots. I also continued the IVF drugs for the full three months. After a while I was numb from all the shots. It took months to get the feeling back. I also needed the Lovenox twice a day for my APC resistance (blood clotting disorder). I calculated once and I have taken over 1000 needles of Lovenox alone plus about 400 in IVF drugs.

It was worth it, but it is okay if I never do that again.

Who knew?

It if funny how infertility never goes away. I was reading an Alexand.er Mc.Call Smith novel called "The Right.Attitude to Rain". It is part of his Isabel Dalhousie series. I really like his novels. His books are intelligent and a real pleasure to read. At the end of this book the heroine Isabel who is 42 becomes pregnant from s.e.x. WTF! My reaction really surprised me. I was immediately very concerned that something terrible would happen. Luckily I had the next book in the series on hand and it starts after the successful birth of her son. I was never one of those who had a horrible reaction to the pregnancies of others. I was not aware that it bothered me, but I really reacted to this character in a book. Yes I know that it is ridiculous to react to an imaginary person. At first I was terribly concerned that something bad would happen. I was afraid for her. I didn't want her to have a bad experience and when I started the next book and the baby was 3 months old and everything was fine I reacted again. I was upset that the whole pregnancy had been skipped. Didn't the author know that this was the most important part? Obviously it had been uneventful as no one mentioned the pregnancy again in the whole book. I felt jealous of someone who didn't even exist. She got pregnant without trying and it was easy, not even worth discussing.

On a related note. I am 45. I have no fallopian tubes. I used donor eggs for both of my successful pregnancies. My eggs where terrible when I tried my first IVF at 28. I am now 3 weeks late for my period and some sad, sick twisted part of me wonders if I am pregnant. Intellectually I know that it is impossibly unlikely and yet a small part of me still hopes. (The more likely answer is peri-menopause.) The universe must have a really twisted sense of humour. I have never taken a home pregnancy test without immediately getting my period. I never took a home test during ART because I firmly believed that they were cursed. I think that I should go to the store and get a test so that my period will start.