Tuesday, January 01, 2013

A Weird Dream

It is the middle of the night.  I just woke up from an unsettling dream.  I dreamt that I was dead and I was in the after life.  I was not upset to be dead. It was not a scary dream. I don't remember having a body,  but I felt very much like myself.  I felt a sense of peace.  I was not alarmed to be dead.  I did not think of my family.

In this dream I was in a house and I was shown to a room where there were some things that were broken.  These represented my mistakes in life.  I had to look at them, accept them and touch them.  I prayed for guidance on what to do.

There were some other people there.  Some of  them were just lying around doing nothing.  They were paralyzed by their past mistakes.  There was  one that tried to distract me from my work.  I am not sure if it was male or female.  It was excited and distracting, but I tried to ignore it because it felt wrong.

Then  I met one of my sisters there.  She was refusing to look at her mistakes.  She was as unaware of herself in death as she is in life now.  I tried to show her what felt right to do.  Then I woke up.

I have been trying to think about what this dream means.  I think that it was life telling me to focus on my stuff;  to keep calm, meditate and do good work. I think that this dream also means that it is time to look around at my mistakes.  I need to accept that I have made made mistakes, identify them, fix them if possible and chart a new course.  The dream was a suggestion that I I need to feed my spiritual side and choose my behaviour in life. 

I think that I need to be honest with my sister that I will not have her and mother visit at the same time "because they do not get along well".  I am not going to pounce on this, but sometime there will be an opening.  I have it tucked away and it will come out sooner or later.  She might ask what I mean and if she does I will tell her that her irritation with my mother is not fun to be around.  It sets me on edge.  It will be enough.

What are you dreaming tonight?

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Post Christmas Regrets

Yes, I have not been here for a while. I am still reading other people's blogs, but I have not been posting. Sometimes I think about posting, but...

 So, I agreed to have a Xmas bash on the 27th for my family. In addition to dinner for 14, I had 4 people sleep over that night and then 2 stayed a second night. My 84 year old Mother with Alzheimer's was the most helpful person. A few helped get the meal on the table, but after dinner I was on we were on our own. Now, I did refuse my Mother's help in front of the others, but no one did more than 5 minutes of clean up. I cleaned my kitchen for over 2 hours with my husband while my family partied on. I had to clean up, I had 8 people to feed breakfast in the morning. After I had been cleaning for an hour, one of my sisters sauntered in and told me "We are tired and are going to bed. See you in the morning." My other sister came into the kitchen and talked to me for 20 minutes while I cleaned. She said "I am waiting for the others to be done in the bathroom".

 I feel like, well like, I slept with them and they did not respect me in the morning.

 To top if off, the sister who stayed over 2 nights was a bitch to my mother. I know that Alzheimer's is frustrating, but she is my mother and I don't like hearing someone talk to her like that. She was impatient and rude with her. My Mother is is sweet and gentle lady. I am mad at myself for not being more direct with her when she did it. It was just kind of shocking. My sister does have some rather severe health issues of her own, but I will NEVER have them both to stay again. I will not have that repeated in my house.

Maybe I am off the mark? Would you expect family that was staying in your home to help you clean up? Maybe I would have refused the help, but I would have liked if someone had offered.

 All I know is, when someone suggests this next year, I will have other plans.

Monday, August 06, 2012

I don't want to play with my kids!

Okay, that is not entirely accurate. I do play with my kids, but there is a part of me that cannot stand it. It hurts. I set timers so that I can get through it. I enjoy it, but it is almost like I am going to get punished if I don't stop. It is a relief when it is over. It is better when we are doing something that is educational or if the kids are not having too much fun. I have no idea why. I know that my mother and father did not play with me, especially when I was younger. I played with my siblings. I did chores with my Dad to spend time with him. There was a feeling of being tolerated. I don't want to be like this! Does anyone else feel this way? I also have a hard time tuning in when they want me. I am slightly hard of hearing. I don't want to be interrupted when I am concentrating on something. But, I hate it when the kids show the same behaviour to me. I know this is part of why my youngest misbehaves. He can feel my indifference. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my kids. I am warm and loving with them, just please don't ask me to play.

Thursday, August 04, 2011


Okay, my 5 year old is in soccer. He was at a game and there was a boy on the opposing team that was very overweight. He was running around and playing like the rest of the kids. I found my eyes on him. He was probably 30 pounds overweight. His legs were easily twice the size of any other kid. He was 2 kids thick. So LB was on the field playing and then he came off and we were sitting together. I noticed that the Mother of the heavy boy and the heavy boy were making their way over to where we were sitting.

The Mother confronted us. It seems that LB told the heavy boy that he was fat, twice. The heavy boys Mother said something like "We are all friends playing soccer and you upset my son. You made him cry by calling him fat. I want you to apologize." LB admitted that he called the boy "fat" and I made him apologize. It was awkward to say the least.

Afterwards, it left me with the oddest feeling. I mean, personal comments are not nice. It is something that kids do and need to learn not to do, but... he was fat. I mean really fat. Their whole family was fat.

I don't know what else I could have done. I watched the boy myself because he was really really fat. I don't know if it is possible for the Mother to stop enough kids from calling him fat to save his feelings. He is fat. Not mentioning it won't change it.

I know that his weight was none of my business. What would you have done?

Sunday, July 31, 2011

My DH is away right now on business. I miss him. I have this song stuck in my head.

The problem with being happily married is that it sucks when they are away and my DH has been travelling on business about 50% of the time in the last year.

Monday, July 25, 2011


I called the Social Worker about donating my unused embryos this week. We had last talked about a year ago and I think that I blew her circuits. She was very happy about being part of this process.

This is just a start. We will need to figure out how to do an open embryo adoption. I have no idea what that will mean. We will have to feel our way through it.

We are going to get together in the fall and talk about what we want and how to go about it.

The Social Worker had some couples in mind last time that we talked. This will be fodder for some new postings.

Gum Day

I have a new innovation that I want to share with you. It is called "Gum Day". Gum Day is Friday and it goes like this.

Your chores have to be done and your bed made.
You are then given your own pack of gum. You choose from one of the packs that is available and you cannot change your mind after it is opened.
You are free to have a gum chewing frenzy or chew moderately over several days.
You are not given a new pack of gum before the next Gum Day no matter what happens to the gum.
If you leave wrappers lying around your next gum day moves by a day.
If you steal gum from others then you skip the next gum day.

It has helped my youngest learn when is the next Friday. It is an easy life lesson without real consequences. My kids love having their own gum and I love not being in charge of giving out gum.