Monday, August 09, 2010

About 3 weeks ago

Time is crawling by way too slowly. The kids are having a great time, but I am not. So I am sitting here at one of those kids indoor playgrounds and I am feeling like a fraud. All these women, with babies that they started in their own bodies, probably without any help. Would they judge me if they knew? Pity me? Turn away disgusted?

I am having an attack of infertility thinking. It doesn't often happen, but I am allowing my thoughts to turn this way. Here I am tapping into the great internal fear. I am going to let the secret out. What will be the outcome? The research says that boys often don't care and aren't even that curious. It seems highly unlikely that the boys will reject me. It is the not knowing that has me on edge. I am trying to hang onto that illusion of controlling the world around me.

Will I be found unworthy?

1 comment:

Joy said...

I don't know how old your boy is, but can't imagine that he would reject you or find you unworthy. Parents can abuse, and neglect, and be horrible, and their kids still long for their love. Here you are being a great mom, and there's no way any of that bad stuff is going to happen. I suspect that "infertility thinking" is what's got you thinking these dark thoughts... that your supposed unworthiness maybe started a long time before your kids were born? I know that's what I do - I decide I'm unworthy (or ugly, or untalented, or whatever) and then suddenly it seems the world agrees with me. When the dark thoughts recede, suddenly the world thinks I'm acceptable. Maybe it's more about you getting okay with the whole situation (and possibly healing some hurts from the past) and when you are, the whole telling-the-kids thing will be a big step, but not as scary. Everyone is different, of course, so that's just my impression. I'm hoping / praying good things for you.