Time is crawling by way too slowly. The kids are having a great time, but I am not. So I am sitting here at one of those kids indoor playgrounds and I am feeling like a fraud. All these women, with babies that they started in their own bodies, probably without any help. Would they judge me if they knew? Pity me? Turn away disgusted?
I am having an attack of infertility thinking. It doesn't often happen, but I am allowing my thoughts to turn this way. Here I am tapping into the great internal fear. I am going to let the secret out. What will be the outcome? The research says that boys often don't care and aren't even that curious. It seems highly unlikely that the boys will reject me. It is the not knowing that has me on edge. I am trying to hang onto that illusion of controlling the world around me.
Will I be found unworthy?