Flashbacks

I am a big fan of "A Little Pregnant". Julie and Paul have such honesty and they have travelled the road that I have been on. She had a blog recently, Whisper words of wisdom that gave me such horrid flashbacks to my first 3 unsuccessful IVF treatments. I know that numbers 4 and 5 were successful, but that does not reduce the awfulness of the first 3 failures. Luckily for me my marriage was improved by the treatments, we pulled together and not apart.

I remember the first one, holy crap, the pain and fear. It was overwhelming. Someone needs to write a book with step by step survival instructions. I just remember how I felt like everyone was talking from far away and how I was sure that I was not taking everything in. It really strikes at the core of what you think of yourself when you are not able to get pregnant by getting lucky on a Saturday night.

I am so happy to have the family that I have. I sometimes wish I had a girl, but I am NEVER going through that again. I am DONE! I hated being pregnant. Of course, I was sick as dog through the whole thing both times. I had complications that were horrible. I had the worst whole body rash during the second one. Thank god for oatmeal baths! I had the experience of going to neonatal specialists. I can remember one doctor saying "Do not look up this test on the internet. Just wait for the results." Surprisingly I obeyed, at least until after the results came back negative. What a nightmare!

Oh man, it was just such a painful, wrenching time. My two boys are totally great and certainly worth it. I no longer have the angry moments when I think of my path. But hearing about Julie going through it. I hope that she is having an easier time. My thoughts are with her and Paul.