Choices

Today I have been thinking about short term and long term decision making. I read this article in Macleans magazine "Addition: New research suggests it is a choice". and it fascinated me. It suggests that addiction is not a disease but instead is a problem in personal choice. The fault lies with choosing long term verses short term benefits on behaviors. I have no idea if he is correct, but the short term verses long term benefit on decisions is something that I struggle with for sure. We have all had that moment, the bowl of ice cream or fitting into those pants. (By the way, today I took the ice cream. You cannot bring home a new carton of ice cream without tasting it. What if it was bad?) Why is it so difficult? Is it cultural? I know I struggle with teaching this to my kids. Hmm.

A better day

I am in a better place today. I decided to accept that I was feeling bad. I went back and listened to some of Oprah's web casts and reminded myself about being present. It helped. Today I am back to feeling more present and more myself.

I also went out and bought a pair of size 10 pants. It was part of accepting that I have put on a few pounds. Yes, I am shallow and vain. I preferred being a size 6. I have no idea why I have put on the weight. It does not matter. What matters is eating right today and exercising today.

I have not done a recent update on my 101 things in 1001 days but I will try to soon. I have made good progress on my goals. I have also decided to change the way that I measure success. Some of my goals required counting how many times I did something and I going to ditch that. I want instead to look at whether or not something is in my routine. I am looking for behavioural change and not blind obedience.

I have to run and get my son from school. Have a nice day.

Blah.

I have been feeling down. I have been feeling fat. It is probably hormonal but everything has felt difficult and annoying. I hate to give in to a mood like that. I feel out of sync somehow. Everything is gritty. As Hamlet said "How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. Seem to me all the uses of this world? "

Here I am with everything and yet if feels like nothing today. I am tired of feeling this way. I don't know what it is that I want. I am sick of myself. Is this restlessness?

Today, I suck.

Are they kidding?

Although I would like to be more enlightened right now I am irked!

I need to give you a little background. I have two older sisters we will call A and B. A is the oldest, and she lives about a 6 hour drive away. She is married without children and retired. My other sister, we will call B, is unmarried and child free. Sister B works full-time and has significant chronic health issues. I also have a brother, who has 3 kids and works a lot of hours. Both Sister B and my brother live in the same city as my mother. I live about an 80 minute drive away from my mother. I am lucky enough to have two small children. To visit my mother I must take very busy highways, including a toll road. One of these roads is one of the busiest in North America and often has significant traffic jams.

My mother recently moved into a senior residence. She is at that point in life where she needs more help than she can get living alone. My sisters and I have been taking turns going to the doctor with her because she has trouble with accepting her current medical situation. Without too many details, she needs to take a number of medications for her various conditions. She feels that taking too many medications is a sign of weakness and she should just tough it out. Today the doctor suggested to Sister A that it would be better for consistency if the same person came to all of the doctor visits.

This evening my sisters called and gave me an update on the doctor's visit. They tell me about the doctor's suggestion about only one person attending with mother. I say nothing. They pause. Sister A comes right out and suggests that it be me. I say I don't have time.

Realistically a visit could not take less than 5 hours as I would need to leave early to make time for traffic delays, waiting in the doctor's office etc. I have a son who finishes school at 2:45 pm. Do they know how hard it is to arrange childcare for the occasional mid-day? My husband, who works 80 hours a week, cannot leave work early these days as his company is NOT doing well. What about the winter? Traffic in the winter is often hideous. What about my part-time job? The cost including Toll roads, childcare, and gas, is probably $80 a visit or more?

I cannot really believe that they are suggesting that I be the one to do this. Sister A starts to suggest I could control the time of the doctor appointment to fit my schedule. (Is she kidding?) I repeat to her that I have already said that I don't have time. Silence on the other end.

Am I wrong here? Are they crazy? Do you think that I should pretend that they never suggested it? Sister A has been getting pressure from Sister B to do more. Is she hoping that getting me to do more will make Sister B happier? I think that the only answer is that we cannot have a consistent person to go with my mother to the doctor. My husband thinks that we should move 3000 km away again.

The secret to training kids to sleep

I read this most interesting article about timing and sleep training. Here is a link. It suggests that there are windows of time when children are open to sleep training and times when they are not.

If only I had known!

Gratitude

Today I was grateful for:

My children
The sun shining on me
Having my house cleaned by someone else
Eating soup
Blogging

Here I am

Holy crap!

Is it really that long since my last post?

Sh*t!

I have been doing mental posting. You know, you write the post in your mind but you never actually type it in. It is not as rewarding as actually posting and getting comments.

Today's mental post was about my Xmas gift from my DH, um, not last year but the year before. He gave me a red chair and ottoman. In leather of course, since he prefers leather. I liked it actually except for one small point, while both were the same colour, the ottoman was sewn with a different colour of thread. One has red thread and the other white thread. I noticed it right away and suggested that we should pack the ottoman up before it got scratched as we would need to return it. My DH said, "no, let's not bother". He couldn't be bothered returning it. I didn't even realize that it bugged me. I thought about it a lot and realized the obvious. It sucks that he didn't feel my getting what I wanted was too much trouble.

Don't get me wrong. We are happily married. I am not usually big on gifts and stuff in general. But when I walk into the room and see the furniture, I feel like... like I mattered less to him than I thought. This is a lot to put on a little ottoman. I have ostrasized the ottoman. I, of course, have arranged the room so that they are not together. Maybe other people don't notice the thread? Maybe it is just thread? Maybe he didn't hear me and understand my feelings, when I suggested returning it. Guys can be dense that way.

Sometimes it can be hard to let go of these things. So here I am. What do I do? Get rid of the furniture some how? Not so likely, the room needs the chair. I need to accept it and let go of it. What am I telling myself that this matters?

He doesn't care about how I feel. - Nope this is false
The room looks bad - Nope this is false

I absolutely would not want to hurt him by telling him this. It would be pointless. I cannot change the past. I don't want to spend money on a replacement. Am I bothered because I didn't express my feelings clearly at the time or that I was embarrased? Why didn't I stand up and ask for a new one at the time?

Ug, this is unresolved. What about you? Tell me what you would do?