Breastfeeding

First of all, I want to say that I do not want to make anyone feel bad who does not breastfeed. I know that we all do our best for our babies and sometimes that does not include nursing them. I am sorry if you have regrets about it.

I also want to say that I am 100% supportive of those who nurse whenever and where ever the want to. Drop Dead Delta! Those who think it should be hidden should try latching when they cannot see and see if they can do it. I cannot! What is more important than feeding our children?

My baby in now over a year and I am thinking about stopping breastfeeding. We still nurse 3 to 5 times a day. He eats fairly well now. I nursed my first for almost a year and a half. I know that when I stopped I had a real boost in energy and it really ties you down since I am sort of looking for work.

I have mixed feelings about it. He is my last baby. Well, I am sure that I will never be pregnant again. Who knows if we will adopt? I have eggs that are frozen, but I have no idea what I will do with them, if anything. I digress.

I will never give birth again and giving breastfeeding up is like admitting that he is not a baby any more. Well, he is not a baby anymore he can walk a couple of steps now.

Often is seems that breastfeeding makes you a card carrying member of the Mothers club. I guess, you know, since I am a stay-at-home mum what else do I have to do that is more important? It is not that time consuming. It can be so nice, so intimate, when it is not boring. Human beings cannot enjoy anything all of the time. The look on my son's face when he is full and content is something that I treasure. Sometimes I think that I feel like I have to try harder since I did not get here the easy way. I want to appreciate every second, savour it. Am I ungrateful because I want to let go of breastfeeding?

It is something that I am actually kind of good at. It doesn't hurt me. I am comfortable when I do it. I have learned so much and I will be letting all of this knowledge go. I have learned things like:

• Take all courses you are able to on breast feeding before you give birth and read a book or two. Visit a lactation consultant too. Take any help offered. Nursing is learned, it is not instinctive for the mother!
• Always get yourself comfortable before you position and latch the baby. I have a Boppy that I tied shut around me so that the baby lay right next to my belly. I hear that the "My Breast Friend" is good for that too.
• Not only should you aim your nipple for the roof of his mouth, but be careful that you are in the middle from the left/right point of view.
• Nursing lying in bed is a gift when you are nursing 10 times a day. I had hand towels and face cloths piled next to the bed. (I used a bassinet in my bedroom, neither my husband nor myself were comfortable with co-sleeping.) You put the baby on the towel so that any mess is not on the bed and I needed the rolled up face cloths under my unbelievable huge breast to get them to the right spot.
• If you have pain when your milk is coming in (other than the first 2 weeks when you are engorged) then you have a yeast infection. Good luck getting rid of it. It hurts like a bitch. I was lucky enough to see Dr Jack Newman who has a great protocol that you can see on his website. Yes, I had it with both of my boys. Start acidophilus now.

I know that breastfeeding does not go for everyone. I feel lucky that I was able to make it work out. Luckily my unbelievable huge breasts (36I when I gave birth) worked and the milk flowed. It would have been a real pisser if they turned out to be just for show after all. They are certainly heading for my knees now.

My Crazy In-laws have left

I hope that everyone had a great holiday. Mine was pretty good. My in-laws came for Christmas after all, just 3 days. I tolerated it quite well as I persued the "leave the room and go do something else" strategy. My MIL is crazy. She always wants us to do the 4 hour drive into the frozen North to visit them and I have just refused. Our car cannot hold 2 kids, 90 lb dog, 2 adults, Xmas gifts, baby stuff, luggage etc. I suppose that we could rent a car but I think that the retired people should make the trip.

Okay, everyone complains about there in-laws. What makes mine special?

Story #1. MIL suggests putting the 4 year old on the Greyhound bus to make the trip, by HIMSELF. Yes, it would probably be about 8 hours with all the stops. I was trying to be diplomatic, but the best I could do was "Ask me again in 10 years!" Luckily my husband piped up with it was out of the question.

Story #2 MIL is definitely in the glass is half empty school and she is not sure with what the glass has been filled. Her most positive comment ever was when we went out for Chinese buffet. She said "Normally when we go out the food is bad, too expensive and makes me feel sick but that was not bad."

Story #3 When her daughter got married, her new SIL asked, "What should I call you now? Mom or you First Name" She answered Mrs X would be fine.

Story #4 This holiday I got a new toaster oven. I was thrilled as the old one was only toasting one side at a time. MIL came up with this long story at the table about how she had bought and returned three toaster ovens as they would only toast one side of the bread. She said that the person at returns had told her that it was because people liked bagels and you only wanted to toast one side of the bagel. So she kept the last one, but it has never really worked. Blah, blah, blah. She went on for at least 15 minutes. No other topic could interupt her. (Believe me, I tried) I wanted to run away screaming. My new toaster, by the way, toasts both sides of the bread.

Story #5 She loves stories of death and disease, naturally. She started to talk about the story of teenagers who were strangling themselves for kicks and some of them died. Of course, this was in front of my 4 year old. She was unhappy when I suggested that we shouldn't discuss it in front of my oldest. I pointed out that he asks questions later, so we know that he is listening.

My husband suggested that we could go away for a weekend and have his parents look after the kids. I don't think that is likely to happen in the near future.

Poison Ivy

Okay, my husband likes to do some of the Christmas shopping for the boys himself. I can understand it, after all shopping for toys is fun.

We were wrapping the gifts and dividing the pile for my oldest into Birthday and Christmas as he has a January birthday.

I came across this toy and after some discussion we put it aside for his Birthday. My son is turning 5. I think my husband is totally off his nut on this one. To put it mildly, I freaked when I saw it. My husband was surprised. He told me that this one had the most clothing of all of them. Did he forget who he married? I mean "what the F**k!"

I did a close up off her abnormal bossum. I think that it should be returned! Destroyed!

What do you think?

Children after Infertility

I was talking to someone about infertility. It wasn't anything that she said, but later I realized that she thought that because I had children I was "cured" of infertility.

I know, I know, I got a family, but the spankingly hard journey of getting there has left it's marks. I am one of the lucky ones, my marriage was strengthened and not destroyed and I got two great kids. But the scars are there. I guess that is why I still read so many blogs about IF. You have been there and you feel validated to know that you are not alone. I was reading someone who talked about crying in the car. Lord knows that and the shower were two of my favourite places.

I love my children, but I sometimes feel like a fraud. What will they say when they find out that they are not genetically related to me? Will they care? My husband thinks that they won't. Sometimes I doubt myself. Am I good enough? After all, it did not come naturally. I know that being nuts about this will not help anyone. It will not make me a better mother. I don't think about it all the time, but sometimes it trickles in. There are days when the black dog of depression can rear it's head.

You wonder will Infertility will ever be over? When will I reach a place of peace on this? I would really like to live there.

Having DE Children

I recently posted on a "A Little Pregnant" because Julie has unfortunately reached the end of the road with her own eggs.

I, too, faced that. For me, it was like a death. I grieved the loss of my eggs. I wondered what I had done wrong that made my eggs fail. I spent a lot of time thinking about what it might have been. My appendix ruptured when I was a child, maybe it was that damage? Maybe it was exposure to some chemicals? I have never done drugs. Why me?

For a long time I would have moments of grief and rage. I felt so responsible. Of course, it is an illusion to think that you have that sort of control over you life. I did though, feel responsible. I punished myself. I would have what are technically called "Intrusive Thoughts". I would allow myself to fill my brain with all sorts of negative thoughts. It sounds absurd, but they could be anything from aliens snatching my dog to being fired at work. It took some time and work to learn to not allow all that negative crap to fill up my brain. It still sneaks up on me sometimes.

I was lucky that I was able to get pregnant with donor eggs. My sons are actually full siblings as the same donor gave both times. I know that my donor was very giving. She was also a surogate for twins. I feel so lucky that I did eventually get my family. I think of my donor and how very grateful I am. I hope that her life is going well.

I hardly ever have those feelings of sorrow/rage/pain/grief that I did not get my way, that I did not get to have the experience of an easy pregnancy. It has faided over time. You have to go through it, you cannot get past it or over it.

I Hate My Dog

Okay I should start out by saying that he is a great dog. He is obedient, gentle and kind. You could not ask for a better family dog. He is a 90 lb Black Lab. He was a stray and was near death when I found him. He was only 40 lbs. I have dog karma, dogs come to me.

He is old and has arthritis. I have him on medication but he is still pretty stiff. I walk him everyday, well most days. But we do long walks, 3 or 4 times a week and a few short ones too.
His faults are:

• He stops in front of me, blocking my path, especially in the kitchen. My kitchen is small, I often cannot walk around him. He is kind of deaf and I have to raise my voice for him to move. I hate raising my voice.
• He goes by the baby when he is eating, the baby touches the dog and then has dog hair on his hands. I have to clean off the dog hair. It bugs me. It is not like I don't let him eat the food that drops. I do.
• I have to clean up his poop. He likes to walk-and-poop. So he will leave a trail of poop over 10 to 30 feet. I then have to play “find the poop”. 99% of the time he stays on our property, but sometimes I have to visit the neighbors. I hate his leaving poop with the neighbors.
• I am not someone who wants a dog that does not bark. He is not a dog that barks all day. However, he will bark when dinner is done because he wants the leftovers. I have to clear the table to make him stop. This is after he has been fed. I cannot feed him all the leftovers because he is an old dog and his weight would increase his pain. I hate the noise!

Of course I will miss him terribly when he is gone. He is 11 years old. I know that big dogs, especially strays, don't live that long. I am still nice to him. We have lovies everyday.

Maybe I am just overwhelmed with my kids? Maybe I miss the dog that used to want to play? Maybe I am afraid that he is going to die soon and I am trying to protect myself?