Sunday, December 17, 2006

Having DE Children

I recently posted on a "A Little Pregnant" because Julie has unfortunately reached the end of the road with her own eggs.

I, too, faced that. For me, it was like a death. I grieved the loss of my eggs. I wondered what I had done wrong that made my eggs fail. I spent a lot of time thinking about what it might have been. My appendix ruptured when I was a child, maybe it was that damage? Maybe it was exposure to some chemicals? I have never done drugs. Why me?

For a long time I would have moments of grief and rage. I felt so responsible. Of course, it is an illusion to think that you have that sort of control over you life. I did though, feel responsible. I punished myself. I would have what are technically called "Intrusive Thoughts". I would allow myself to fill my brain with all sorts of negative thoughts. It sounds absurd, but they could be anything from aliens snatching my dog to being fired at work. It took some time and work to learn to not allow all that negative crap to fill up my brain. It still sneaks up on me sometimes.

I was lucky that I was able to get pregnant with donor eggs. My sons are actually full siblings as the same donor gave both times. I know that my donor was very giving. She was also a surogate for twins. I feel so lucky that I did eventually get my family. I think of my donor and how very grateful I am. I hope that her life is going well.

I hardly ever have those feelings of sorrow/rage/pain/grief that I did not get my way, that I did not get to have the experience of an easy pregnancy. It has faided over time. You have to go through it, you cannot get past it or over it.


DD said...

I know that for every person who wants to be a parent that finds out their body will never be like a "normal" persons (whether it requires donor sperm, donor egg, donor embryo, surrogacy, etc.) there has to be something unresolved.

Summer said...

Thanks for visiting and commenting on my blog. As you can see, I'm going through and reading your archives.

What you said about infertility and how "You have to go through it, you cannot get past it or over it" in this post really struck a chord with me. I think it's one of the lessons I learned in going through infertility, although it's not one I particularly wanted to learn.

Lisa DG said...

I appreciate you commenting on my blog too as I am at that point in the road. I am sure as I read further, you'll have a lot to teach me. At this moment I am excited and grief stricken all at once.