I am my Mother

I used to think that I was a lot like my father. He was a very interesting man. He was the sort of person that we all should be. He was a leader in his church and the community. He lived his beliefs, was single minded and was stubborn. He also had difficulty with emotions. Although I am not religious, I thought that I had a lot of his traits.

Since his death and our return to Canada I have spent a lot more time with my Mother. She will come and stay with me when my husband travels, which unfortunately is quite often. I was having a chat with her the other day and she was talking about herself and it could have been me. She talked about her inability to make small talk and how she only has a few friends. She talked about how she worries about things that she did in her past, or rather didn't do. We are not talking crimes here, but small social faux pas. It was like looking in a mirror. Okay, I could blame her and pretend "poor me", she was a bad example. But at 40+ that does not wash for me. I know that I am often inconsistent keeping contact with my friends. I know, I keep moving 1ooo's of kilometers, but I don't seem to find the time to write emails or even blog. I hesitate to put myself forward and feel uncomfortable. I guess we all have those feelings. I do not have to be cut off. It is a choice.

I have PMS big time today. I so felt like growling at the kids. If only I believed that hitting them was effective! Today I really wanted to, hmm, I am not sure what you call it, when you flick you finger against someone. But, luckily I maintained my tenuous grip on reality.

I think that today will probably be the last time that I nurse my son. I am down to just the night feeding. It is the end of an era. I know that it has to happen sooner or later. It is a good thing, but I am totally capable of wanting to stop and wanting to continue. Ain't life grand!

Dreaming

The other night I dreamt that I was in labour. I think that I was at my mother's house, that part is not too clear. I was spending a lot of time squatting against the wall. Sometimes you wonder where this stuff comes from. The people around me were showing only mild concern. I was doing my natural childbirth stuff and it wasn't too intense yet, but I was trying to get someone interested in helping me. I wonder what it meant?

I am clear that I am never going to get pregnant again. I hope that you don't find me insensitive but, I am happy that it is never going to happen again. I know that it won't happen accidentally. HAH! I was sick, sick and then sick again when I was pregnant. I cannot imagine doing it again. Now, I have toyed with the idea of adding to our family through adoption. Right now is not a good time. DH is working like a dog these days. He works way too hard week after week. It is really aging him, but we are stuck until the fall when his 2 years is up. Also, in Canada they will not do a free homestudy while you have a child who is less than 2 years old. Why? I have no idea. We could pay for one ourselves, but we need to get past the 2 year mark first. I just keep feeling like I would like a girl too. I know that it is not rational. I have a great family. I feel very lucky, but like so many, I still feel like there is an empty spot.

Privacy

I have mixed feelings about some of my posts. I have done some self-censcoring It is tough working out the public/private face issues. I see problems like DD had with T.K.O. where private information was being used as hurtful gossip. I want to post and share, but I do NOT want any to tell my children about being DE kids before I do. Unfortunately we all know people who would do it and think that it was justified.

I think that it is important that I share my feelings and get the feeling of community that we all need. I am just afraid that I will reveal too much and be found out. I don't really care if I get Anonymous criticism. I just want to protect my children.

Weaning LB

LB has been doing great with his sign language. We started him early, but he is just starting to get really into it at 13 months. With mixed feelings I have been trying to wean him. I started with trying to stop the after the afternoon nap feed. Yesterday; however, he was having none of it. He quite emphatically patted my chest and made the sign for milk. Sigh. I gave him what he asked for. I really like breastfeeding my kids. It is hard to stop.

Any advice?