Saturday, January 05, 2008

Who knew?

It if funny how infertility never goes away. I was reading an Mc.Call Smith novel called "The Right.Attitude to Rain". It is part of his Isabel Dalhousie series. I really like his novels. His books are intelligent and a real pleasure to read. At the end of this book the heroine Isabel who is 42 becomes pregnant from s.e.x. WTF! My reaction really surprised me. I was immediately very concerned that something terrible would happen. Luckily I had the next book in the series on hand and it starts after the successful birth of her son. I was never one of those who had a horrible reaction to the pregnancies of others. I was not aware that it bothered me, but I really reacted to this character in a book. Yes I know that it is ridiculous to react to an imaginary person. At first I was terribly concerned that something bad would happen. I was afraid for her. I didn't want her to have a bad experience and when I started the next book and the baby was 3 months old and everything was fine I reacted again. I was upset that the whole pregnancy had been skipped. Didn't the author know that this was the most important part? Obviously it had been uneventful as no one mentioned the pregnancy again in the whole book. I felt jealous of someone who didn't even exist. She got pregnant without trying and it was easy, not even worth discussing.

On a related note. I am 45. I have no fallopian tubes. I used donor eggs for both of my successful pregnancies. My eggs where terrible when I tried my first IVF at 28. I am now 3 weeks late for my period and some sad, sick twisted part of me wonders if I am pregnant. Intellectually I know that it is impossibly unlikely and yet a small part of me still hopes. (The more likely answer is peri-menopause.) The universe must have a really twisted sense of humour. I have never taken a home pregnancy test without immediately getting my period. I never took a home test during ART because I firmly believed that they were cursed. I think that I should go to the store and get a test so that my period will start.

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