Letting things go

In our journey through life things happen. Some are good and some are definitely not. I have been working on my stuff; mainly so I don't pass it on to my kids. Like so many others, unfortunately, I was a victim of child sexual abuse. It didn't happen often and luckily the worst did not happen, but I was scarred by it. This might be a good place to stop reading.

It was an evil man that we will call "Uncle K". He was not a blood relative not that it matters, and yes he was my uncle. As an adult I have found out that I was not the only one that he touched. I am not sure how old that I was. I know that I could not have been more that 8. He touched my bre@sts and put his hands inside my clothing. One time I remember him putting his hands down my p@nts. I was struggling to get away and another child opening the door and then I escaped.

So much pain came my way because of this man. He is the reason why I never attend the family reunions. He is the reason I am so afraid for my sons.

I don't know how to let go of this. I want to. My problem is that I am afraid that he is still out there preying on children. He has children and grandchildren. Do they know? His wife looks like she has swallowed a bitter pill. Does she know?

I know that he is still evil because he groped me at my fathers funeral 2 years ago.

I don't know where to go from here. I wish that he would die.

End of an Era

Last week the date finally came and it was time to let the dog go. We made the appointment for Friday so that we could have the weekend to help the kids in case they were upset. Of course, it would be easier for us too. I gave him a nice walk and then fed him quite a bit of cheese. My husband came home so that I could go alone with the dog. The dog had always loved me best and I wanted to be there for him. I was trying to be calm because I had to got out to do this thing, but my husband started to cry. DH is such an amazingly caring guy. I am so very lucky to have him.

We arrived for the appointment at the end of the day. I paid the money and since we had decided to have him cremated, I had to fill in forms. One of the assistants showed me a choice of font for the cedar box for the remains and I told her that she would have to pick. I had no opinion. I was still trying to be calm, but obviously it was wearing a bit thin. We got him into the room and onto the table. He has never really minded the vet because she fed him! The vet had these bacon strips and I can tell you he really enjoyed them. I was feeding him bacon strips while she gave him the injection and I don't think he even noticed what she was doing. I was trying not to cry, and failing horribly. Alright, I was bawling and telling him he was a good dog over and over. Finally the vet told me that he was gone. Then I entered the realm of deep sobs. They were very kind and gave me time alone with him. I didn't want to stop petting him because then he would really be gone. Since I had had the foresight to have paid everything I was able to just leave. Of course, I was in no shape to drive even the short distance home so I sat in the car and tried to pull myself together. Another women was just arriving at the vet to pick up the ashes of her late cat. Her cat had died unexpected at home after dental surgery. It helped a lot to share a few moments with her. When I got home, my youngest was just waking up. I was numb.

My youngest in not yet two and so while I tried to explain to him that our dog had died, I am not sure what he understood. I told him the dog was broken and could not be fixed. At one point in the weekend, he patted the dog bed and looked at me questioningly. He was looking like he wanted to say "where is he?" I had put the dog dishes away and he got them out again and wanted me to fill them. I know that he is young enough that the will have no memory of our dog and in a way that hurts even more.

My oldest took the news quite calmly. We had been talking about how sick the dog was and how it did not look like he was getting better. We told him that we took the dog to the vet and that the dog died there. We did not want to get into the issue of putting animals to sleep. He is not yet 6 and I don't think he is ready for the concept. We have been getting questions here and there about heaven. We are not religious, but I believe in heaven. I don't believe in hell but that is a discussion for another day. We talked about him playing with another of our dogs who died before he was born. The next day he told me that he had a dream and that the dog is fine now. I hope that he is right.

My DH and I have been feeling sad. My DH had to go away overnight and the dog was not there. It is funny how it is the habits that trip you up. You think, "Does the dog have enough water?" or "Walk time." and then have that moment of realization again. It was time to let go. He was falling and loosing himself. He was having moments of obvious confusion, despite the drugs. I know we have done the right thing, but I just miss him.

Walking the dog

Today when LB, the dog and I went for a walk we had an experience that was unpleasant. We had just crossed the street and we were paused for what I commonly call a "walk and poop". My dog is unable to "go" unless he continues to walk. Anyway, a car full of teenage boys drove by and yelled "Hey, your dog is taking a shit." I was actually aware of that fact, but teenage boys must like to state the obvious. I did my duty and picked up the product. The car full of boys had turned around meanwhile and they yelled something else as they drove by the other way. The only word that I caught was "f**k". Sometimes not having perfect hearing is a blessing. While I admit I have some curiousity about what was said, somehow I think that I am better of not knowing. As we continued our walk I wondered about teenage boys and what makes them think that others are interested in their input? Will my boys be those boys in the car some day?

My DH suggested that I should have got the license plate or taken a picture. They might have enjoyed explaining their behaviour to the cops and their parents.

It reminded me of another day walking down the street when I was a University student. It was a hot summer day and I was going to meet a friend. I was wearing a skirt and a top, nothing flashy really. Another car full of teenagers passed me and one of them leaned out the window and yelled "I'd like to F**k you up the a$$". I went apeshit. Without a moments hesitation or even thinking about my safety, I started yelling things like "How dare you?" and "You have no right to talk to me like that!" The car stopped at a red light about 200 yards in front of me. The boy almost fell out of the car window yelling back at me. People on the street noticed and were staring. The other guys in the car were trying their best to pull the other guy back into the car. The light turned green and took off in a hurry. I had forgotten all about it.

Food colouring.

I heard about an interesting study where they looked at food colouring and preservatives and there affect on kids. It seems that even kids without ADHD and ADD became hyper on a diet that included the mixing of sodium benzoate and food colouring.

I have printed this off for myself so that I can read the labels on foods. Scarey!

Among the additives studied were:

* E211, sodium benzoate, a preservative used to extend shelf-life of food and drinks. (Which is in a hell of a lot of foods)
* E102, tartrazine, a yellow food dye used in ice cream, soft drinks and fish sticks.
* E104, quinoline yellow, a yellow dye used in soft drinks, cosmetics and medications.
* E110, sunset yellow, a dye used in yogurts and sweets.
* E122, carmoisine, a coal tar derivative used in sweets and yogurts.
* E129, allura red, a dye used in pop drinks and bubble gum.

Here is a link to an article on the study. http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2007/09/06/additives-lancet.html?ref=rss

My dog

A while ago I wrote a blog (I hate my dog) that revealed some of the dark feeling I had about my dog. As it usually is, blogging was quite therapeutic and made me realize that I was angry with my dog for getting old and being angry made me feel guilty. This helped me a lot. My focus changed and I started to accept him for who he was and not for who I wanted him to be (immortal). He has so many great traits. But, now he is on the maximum pain meds and they and not doing what we hoped any more. To get up he now has to roll his back end to get it underneath and he doesn't always make it the first time. It is time to let go. In so many ways he is still the puppy that I found, near death from starvation, at the end of the driveway when I went to get the Sunday paper. Tonight when I came home from yoga he did his usual circle of happiness, ears open, head down, stuffed animal in his mouth. He wants to be petted, but only after he does each circuit around the house. Crazy dog!

I have made the appointment. I cried through the phone call. I asked the questions, got the answers and this weekend I am going to let him go. I am going to miss that big gentle black lab.

Now I have to figure out how to share the news with my sons. My 5 yr old knows that the dog is sick. I want to be as honest as possible. Do you tell you kids that you are putting the dog or just that he died. I am a stickler for honesty. I even struggle with Santa and the Easter bunny. I wish I knew what would be the best way to go.

Good news

I finally got the results and while I do have a small kidney stone in the right kidney, I do NOT have anything else. This is good news of course. I have now had an ultrasound, a CT scan, a gastroscopy, and a colonoscopy and no one knows why I have such terrible gas and indigestion. I am at my wits end trying to figure out what to do next. Of course, the doctor called while I was out and I will have to make a new appointment to find out what to do next. I am not giving up. I may try a naturopath next to see if eastern medicine can help me.

My DH has the flu which means that the Canada Day long weekend has been a bit of a bust. Like most men, he is totally incapable when sick. I am still getting over a cold, but I am the Mother and so I just keep going.

I have been kind of sick of myself lately. I have been focusing too much on the negative. In my blog I often complain. I guess I need the opportunity for the support, but I am worried that it takes too much space in my head.

My youngest is at a truely adorable age. Yes, he does get frustrated at times, but I love the soft bable of protospeech. His soft ululations can be quite adorable. We are thinking about getting him into part-time daycare in September. There is a new school that is based on reggio emilia and looks great.

My oldest is home for the summer and did so well in Montessori school that we gave him a Lego Firehouse (over 600 pieces). He LOVES it. He did a great job building it, with help of course. He is such a straight arrow. His teacher thinks that he will be a police officer when he grows up.
He is thrilled that his little brother is now old enough for time outs. You could practically sell him a ticket to watch it.

They are both such sweet boys. I am so lucky that I was given this gift. I am not religious in a formal sense, but I am thankful every day that the universe sent them my way. I have been reading a lot of blogs lately where other women are on the same journey that I took. They are finished with their own eggs and looking to find donors. I wish I had a way of making that road easier and guaranteeing them the outcomes that they so desperately seek. I don't know if it is helpful to know that someone else made it? I hope it is!

Back from Hiding

Well, as you may have noticed I have not been around for a while. I finally had a colonoscopy and gastroscopy. I had two polyps removed and now I am waiting to see if, well, you know. The Dr thought everything went fine. He thinks something might be pushing against my stomach. I am going for a CT on Monday. I am scared shitless. I know something is wrong. I can feel it. Now a days you get demerol and valium before the colonoscopy (drugs can be your friend), but there was something in there that hurt even through the meds and that is not normal.

I have been focusing lately on not being busy for the sake of being busy. So often we validate ourselves based on how busy we are. I am refocusing on trying to appreciate the little things.

My youngest is such a joy these days. He is working on speaking and has the biggest smile you can imagine. I am so lucky in so many ways. I just have to hope that my luck holds!

Unusual Art

I was reading Macleans, which is a well known Canadian news magazine and it had a great article about some unusual art. Deb Wiles has a new project which is a collection of 52 bronze castings of vulva. I kid you not. She had her friends create casts and new art was created.

I loved it. Go and have a look. I have to admit I had never thought about the individual differences. I will also admit that it inspired me to have a look at mine; something I have not done since my last episiotomy.

I think that I look more like "Mama 11 07 01". What about you?

SAHM vs WOHM

Okay lots has already been said about this. I have to admit that after my first was born I worked part-time and I have not worked at all since my second was born. I know that for some families it is just not a choice. Some women need to work and all of the research shows that kids do fine in daycare. For me, although the transition was rough, I wanted to spend more time with my kids after it took so long to get them. I always thought that the real advantage was that you had a better life pace as a SAHM. It was not a crisis if some one was sick and you could give someone a day at home when they needed one. Sometimes when you are little, it is just too much and you need a comfort day at home.

But I just read an article in Macleans that was very interesting, sorry no web link was available. The author Katherine Mecklam argues that it is unwise to be a SAHM because of the huge financial impact. If your husband gets sicks, dies, loses his job or divorces you, you can have a huge decline in your standard of living. With divorce rates at about 50%, you need to know that a women who stays out more that 3 years has very little chance of a salary close to her previous earnings. In Canada you can have 7 years at home per kid without it affecting your average salary for the government pension, but your earnings are unlikely to be a anything close to your previous level. Very Interesting.

Of course, I cannot imagine that my husband and I would ever divorce and good financial planning means that we are in good shape if we have other problems. It is information that I would want to know if my relationship was rocky.

I have been looking for a part-time job and cannot imagine working full-time. We really do punish women and children.

A Shitty Day

I think that I have recovered from my rejection. I really want a part-time job and not contracts. I guess I will just wait for the perfect job or not work outside the home at all. I don't need the money and I might be able to swing never working for pay again. I am lucky.

Thursday was a less than lucky day. DH and I were upstairs talking after dinner. My 5 year old, BB, was downstairs in our kids space playing, and our 16 month old LB was there too. All of a sudden LB starts to cry loudly. DH runs down to see what has happened. He picks up LB and he is covered in shit. LB somehow managed to climb onto the plastic kitchen, and somehow sits down or falls in a way that causes the very full diaper to explode all over the burners on the toy kitchen (see pictures). Yes, the burners are now full of shit. Yes, this is the deluxe model with the talking burners, so we cannot just hose it all down. I am going to have to pick it all out or risk ruining it. So, the kitchen is sitting in the garage awaiting cleaning. This would be a good point to laugh. Go ahead, everyone else has. I would also appreciate ideas on how to clean it. Maybe I could tape some of the electrical stuff and then hose it?

So one very poopy boy goes off for a bath. DH and I are upstairs in the bathroom taking care of the evidence when all of a sudden I pull a muscle in my back. Luckily, DH was right there to take LB because I literally crawled away. I was in agony. I was barely able to move and in fact DH had to stay home Friday because I could not pick all 23lbs of LB up. I am better now and will be back to normal by Monday. Life has been eventful lately.

Good New and Bad News

The good news is that I don't have Celiac, yeah! The bad news is that we still don't know what I have, sooo, today I had what they call a small bowel follow through. You go and drive the delicious barium drink (only 30 oz) and then they take pictures every half an hour until it reaches the large intestine. I unfortunately had to have an extra 8 oz because they really couldn't believe that it was taking so long. I held my nose. Oh and forget about reading we would like you to walk to help it digest. I am told that the record is 6 hours, but I was done in just over 4.

On the other hand, I realise how lucky I am because the other person who was taking the test at the same time was only 2 weeks old; a beautiful little girl. The hospital waiting room is not exactly the most fun place to care for a small child.

Well I get the results in just 2 weeks or so. I did read "La Cuicina" while I walked and waited. It was a good read and not at all what I expected. Lots of juicy sex and great food.

The other news is that I had a job interview for a short-term contract and it was the interview from hell. The first part was fine but then came in the technical expert. She asked things like "Why did this company hire you?" with the undertext being "You have a BA and not a math or CS degree how could you have been worthy?." What version of Windows did you use when you used DBIII and Clipper, um, 15 years ago? WTF! Oh and she had a heavy accent and so sometimes I had to ask her to repeat her questions. She had me rattled so that when she did get to relevant questions I was all thrown off. I think I will put off my plans to search for childcare. F@*k! I wanted them to offer me the job so that I could reject them. They were not supposed to reject me. Sigh! Luckily I had yoga that night and was able to relax and let it go.

World's worst dinner guest!

I am still waiting to hear my test results from Dr. Child Hater. He thinks that I might have Celiac disease . What a bummer!

I already have a long list of allergies including: milk (typical for celiac); strawberries; melons; shellfish; and some lifesaving drugs. I have started to do some reading and unfortunately, many of the cookbooks talk about how even a very small amount can be very contaminating. One person suggested no wheat flour in the house. Yikes. Bye-bye most restaurants.

I freely confess that I am not a great cook. This is going to set me back as I lose what is in my current repetoire. Okay, I am feeling better. I sleep more. But I want you to know that this sucks sh*t.

Under the Tuscan Sun

Okay, there is a book by Frances Mayes and a movie of the same name. I got the book and then started seeing the promos for the movie. I have to tell you, that it made me put the book aside. I don't often get out to movies and I have to tell you that it looked to me like a chick flick and not a good one. However, I was going on a plane and the book was there and so I took it with me.

As far as I can tell the book and the movie only share a title. The book is great. It is the story of the author and her husband Ed and their adventures after buying a house in Tuscany. It is like reading a blog. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

I am my Mother

I used to think that I was a lot like my father. He was a very interesting man. He was the sort of person that we all should be. He was a leader in his church and the community. He lived his beliefs, was single minded and was stubborn. He also had difficulty with emotions. Although I am not religious, I thought that I had a lot of his traits.

Since his death and our return to Canada I have spent a lot more time with my Mother. She will come and stay with me when my husband travels, which unfortunately is quite often. I was having a chat with her the other day and she was talking about herself and it could have been me. She talked about her inability to make small talk and how she only has a few friends. She talked about how she worries about things that she did in her past, or rather didn't do. We are not talking crimes here, but small social faux pas. It was like looking in a mirror. Okay, I could blame her and pretend "poor me", she was a bad example. But at 40+ that does not wash for me. I know that I am often inconsistent keeping contact with my friends. I know, I keep moving 1ooo's of kilometers, but I don't seem to find the time to write emails or even blog. I hesitate to put myself forward and feel uncomfortable. I guess we all have those feelings. I do not have to be cut off. It is a choice.

I have PMS big time today. I so felt like growling at the kids. If only I believed that hitting them was effective! Today I really wanted to, hmm, I am not sure what you call it, when you flick you finger against someone. But, luckily I maintained my tenuous grip on reality.

I think that today will probably be the last time that I nurse my son. I am down to just the night feeding. It is the end of an era. I know that it has to happen sooner or later. It is a good thing, but I am totally capable of wanting to stop and wanting to continue. Ain't life grand!

Dreaming

The other night I dreamt that I was in labour. I think that I was at my mother's house, that part is not too clear. I was spending a lot of time squatting against the wall. Sometimes you wonder where this stuff comes from. The people around me were showing only mild concern. I was doing my natural childbirth stuff and it wasn't too intense yet, but I was trying to get someone interested in helping me. I wonder what it meant?

I am clear that I am never going to get pregnant again. I hope that you don't find me insensitive but, I am happy that it is never going to happen again. I know that it won't happen accidentally. HAH! I was sick, sick and then sick again when I was pregnant. I cannot imagine doing it again. Now, I have toyed with the idea of adding to our family through adoption. Right now is not a good time. DH is working like a dog these days. He works way too hard week after week. It is really aging him, but we are stuck until the fall when his 2 years is up. Also, in Canada they will not do a free homestudy while you have a child who is less than 2 years old. Why? I have no idea. We could pay for one ourselves, but we need to get past the 2 year mark first. I just keep feeling like I would like a girl too. I know that it is not rational. I have a great family. I feel very lucky, but like so many, I still feel like there is an empty spot.

Privacy

I have mixed feelings about some of my posts. I have done some self-censcoring It is tough working out the public/private face issues. I see problems like DD had with T.K.O. where private information was being used as hurtful gossip. I want to post and share, but I do NOT want any to tell my children about being DE kids before I do. Unfortunately we all know people who would do it and think that it was justified.

I think that it is important that I share my feelings and get the feeling of community that we all need. I am just afraid that I will reveal too much and be found out. I don't really care if I get Anonymous criticism. I just want to protect my children.

Weaning LB

LB has been doing great with his sign language. We started him early, but he is just starting to get really into it at 13 months. With mixed feelings I have been trying to wean him. I started with trying to stop the after the afternoon nap feed. Yesterday; however, he was having none of it. He quite emphatically patted my chest and made the sign for milk. Sigh. I gave him what he asked for. I really like breastfeeding my kids. It is hard to stop.

Any advice?