Breastfeeding

First of all, I want to say that I do not want to make anyone feel bad who does not breastfeed. I know that we all do our best for our babies and sometimes that does not include nursing them. I am sorry if you have regrets about it.

I also want to say that I am 100% supportive of those who nurse whenever and where ever the want to. Drop Dead Delta! Those who think it should be hidden should try latching when they cannot see and see if they can do it. I cannot! What is more important than feeding our children?

My baby in now over a year and I am thinking about stopping breastfeeding. We still nurse 3 to 5 times a day. He eats fairly well now. I nursed my first for almost a year and a half. I know that when I stopped I had a real boost in energy and it really ties you down since I am sort of looking for work.

I have mixed feelings about it. He is my last baby. Well, I am sure that I will never be pregnant again. Who knows if we will adopt? I have eggs that are frozen, but I have no idea what I will do with them, if anything. I digress.

I will never give birth again and giving breastfeeding up is like admitting that he is not a baby any more. Well, he is not a baby anymore he can walk a couple of steps now.

Often is seems that breastfeeding makes you a card carrying member of the Mothers club. I guess, you know, since I am a stay-at-home mum what else do I have to do that is more important? It is not that time consuming. It can be so nice, so intimate, when it is not boring. Human beings cannot enjoy anything all of the time. The look on my son's face when he is full and content is something that I treasure. Sometimes I think that I feel like I have to try harder since I did not get here the easy way. I want to appreciate every second, savour it. Am I ungrateful because I want to let go of breastfeeding?

It is something that I am actually kind of good at. It doesn't hurt me. I am comfortable when I do it. I have learned so much and I will be letting all of this knowledge go. I have learned things like:

• Take all courses you are able to on breast feeding before you give birth and read a book or two. Visit a lactation consultant too. Take any help offered. Nursing is learned, it is not instinctive for the mother!
• Always get yourself comfortable before you position and latch the baby. I have a Boppy that I tied shut around me so that the baby lay right next to my belly. I hear that the "My Breast Friend" is good for that too.
• Not only should you aim your nipple for the roof of his mouth, but be careful that you are in the middle from the left/right point of view.
• Nursing lying in bed is a gift when you are nursing 10 times a day. I had hand towels and face cloths piled next to the bed. (I used a bassinet in my bedroom, neither my husband nor myself were comfortable with co-sleeping.) You put the baby on the towel so that any mess is not on the bed and I needed the rolled up face cloths under my unbelievable huge breast to get them to the right spot.
• If you have pain when your milk is coming in (other than the first 2 weeks when you are engorged) then you have a yeast infection. Good luck getting rid of it. It hurts like a bitch. I was lucky enough to see Dr Jack Newman who has a great protocol that you can see on his website. Yes, I had it with both of my boys. Start acidophilus now.

I know that breastfeeding does not go for everyone. I feel lucky that I was able to make it work out. Luckily my unbelievable huge breasts (36I when I gave birth) worked and the milk flowed. It would have been a real pisser if they turned out to be just for show after all. They are certainly heading for my knees now.

My Crazy In-laws have left

I hope that everyone had a great holiday. Mine was pretty good. My in-laws came for Christmas after all, just 3 days. I tolerated it quite well as I persued the "leave the room and go do something else" strategy. My MIL is crazy. She always wants us to do the 4 hour drive into the frozen North to visit them and I have just refused. Our car cannot hold 2 kids, 90 lb dog, 2 adults, Xmas gifts, baby stuff, luggage etc. I suppose that we could rent a car but I think that the retired people should make the trip.

Okay, everyone complains about there in-laws. What makes mine special?

Story #1. MIL suggests putting the 4 year old on the Greyhound bus to make the trip, by HIMSELF. Yes, it would probably be about 8 hours with all the stops. I was trying to be diplomatic, but the best I could do was "Ask me again in 10 years!" Luckily my husband piped up with it was out of the question.

Story #2 MIL is definitely in the glass is half empty school and she is not sure with what the glass has been filled. Her most positive comment ever was when we went out for Chinese buffet. She said "Normally when we go out the food is bad, too expensive and makes me feel sick but that was not bad."

Story #3 When her daughter got married, her new SIL asked, "What should I call you now? Mom or you First Name" She answered Mrs X would be fine.

Story #4 This holiday I got a new toaster oven. I was thrilled as the old one was only toasting one side at a time. MIL came up with this long story at the table about how she had bought and returned three toaster ovens as they would only toast one side of the bread. She said that the person at returns had told her that it was because people liked bagels and you only wanted to toast one side of the bagel. So she kept the last one, but it has never really worked. Blah, blah, blah. She went on for at least 15 minutes. No other topic could interupt her. (Believe me, I tried) I wanted to run away screaming. My new toaster, by the way, toasts both sides of the bread.

Story #5 She loves stories of death and disease, naturally. She started to talk about the story of teenagers who were strangling themselves for kicks and some of them died. Of course, this was in front of my 4 year old. She was unhappy when I suggested that we shouldn't discuss it in front of my oldest. I pointed out that he asks questions later, so we know that he is listening.

My husband suggested that we could go away for a weekend and have his parents look after the kids. I don't think that is likely to happen in the near future.

Poison Ivy

Okay, my husband likes to do some of the Christmas shopping for the boys himself. I can understand it, after all shopping for toys is fun.

We were wrapping the gifts and dividing the pile for my oldest into Birthday and Christmas as he has a January birthday.

I came across this toy and after some discussion we put it aside for his Birthday. My son is turning 5. I think my husband is totally off his nut on this one. To put it mildly, I freaked when I saw it. My husband was surprised. He told me that this one had the most clothing of all of them. Did he forget who he married? I mean "what the F**k!"

I did a close up off her abnormal bossum. I think that it should be returned! Destroyed!

What do you think?

Children after Infertility

I was talking to someone about infertility. It wasn't anything that she said, but later I realized that she thought that because I had children I was "cured" of infertility.

I know, I know, I got a family, but the spankingly hard journey of getting there has left it's marks. I am one of the lucky ones, my marriage was strengthened and not destroyed and I got two great kids. But the scars are there. I guess that is why I still read so many blogs about IF. You have been there and you feel validated to know that you are not alone. I was reading someone who talked about crying in the car. Lord knows that and the shower were two of my favourite places.

I love my children, but I sometimes feel like a fraud. What will they say when they find out that they are not genetically related to me? Will they care? My husband thinks that they won't. Sometimes I doubt myself. Am I good enough? After all, it did not come naturally. I know that being nuts about this will not help anyone. It will not make me a better mother. I don't think about it all the time, but sometimes it trickles in. There are days when the black dog of depression can rear it's head.

You wonder will Infertility will ever be over? When will I reach a place of peace on this? I would really like to live there.

Having DE Children

I recently posted on a "A Little Pregnant" because Julie has unfortunately reached the end of the road with her own eggs.

I, too, faced that. For me, it was like a death. I grieved the loss of my eggs. I wondered what I had done wrong that made my eggs fail. I spent a lot of time thinking about what it might have been. My appendix ruptured when I was a child, maybe it was that damage? Maybe it was exposure to some chemicals? I have never done drugs. Why me?

For a long time I would have moments of grief and rage. I felt so responsible. Of course, it is an illusion to think that you have that sort of control over you life. I did though, feel responsible. I punished myself. I would have what are technically called "Intrusive Thoughts". I would allow myself to fill my brain with all sorts of negative thoughts. It sounds absurd, but they could be anything from aliens snatching my dog to being fired at work. It took some time and work to learn to not allow all that negative crap to fill up my brain. It still sneaks up on me sometimes.

I was lucky that I was able to get pregnant with donor eggs. My sons are actually full siblings as the same donor gave both times. I know that my donor was very giving. She was also a surogate for twins. I feel so lucky that I did eventually get my family. I think of my donor and how very grateful I am. I hope that her life is going well.

I hardly ever have those feelings of sorrow/rage/pain/grief that I did not get my way, that I did not get to have the experience of an easy pregnancy. It has faided over time. You have to go through it, you cannot get past it or over it.

I Hate My Dog

Okay I should start out by saying that he is a great dog. He is obedient, gentle and kind. You could not ask for a better family dog. He is a 90 lb Black Lab. He was a stray and was near death when I found him. He was only 40 lbs. I have dog karma, dogs come to me.

He is old and has arthritis. I have him on medication but he is still pretty stiff. I walk him everyday, well most days. But we do long walks, 3 or 4 times a week and a few short ones too.
His faults are:

• He stops in front of me, blocking my path, especially in the kitchen. My kitchen is small, I often cannot walk around him. He is kind of deaf and I have to raise my voice for him to move. I hate raising my voice.
• He goes by the baby when he is eating, the baby touches the dog and then has dog hair on his hands. I have to clean off the dog hair. It bugs me. It is not like I don't let him eat the food that drops. I do.
• I have to clean up his poop. He likes to walk-and-poop. So he will leave a trail of poop over 10 to 30 feet. I then have to play “find the poop”. 99% of the time he stays on our property, but sometimes I have to visit the neighbors. I hate his leaving poop with the neighbors.
• I am not someone who wants a dog that does not bark. He is not a dog that barks all day. However, he will bark when dinner is done because he wants the leftovers. I have to clear the table to make him stop. This is after he has been fed. I cannot feed him all the leftovers because he is an old dog and his weight would increase his pain. I hate the noise!

Of course I will miss him terribly when he is gone. He is 11 years old. I know that big dogs, especially strays, don't live that long. I am still nice to him. We have lovies everyday.

Maybe I am just overwhelmed with my kids? Maybe I miss the dog that used to want to play? Maybe I am afraid that he is going to die soon and I am trying to protect myself?

Something fun

Hi,

I just tried this, see the link below. It was exactly true for me. I stole this from Boulder's blog

You scored as Psychology. You should be a Psychology major! Psychology 100% Mathematics 92% Philosophy 92% Engineering 83% Sociology 83% Biology 75% Anthropology 75% Theater 75% Dance 75% Linguistics 67% English 67% Journalism 50% Chemistry 50% Art 33% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!) created with QuizFarm.com

That was fun!

Cooking

I can cook. I can follow a recipe and the food tastes fine. I am not, however, a chef. I do not have verve. I am not inspired. Each day when it is time to cook it hits me in the face as if it had never happened before. I know that the best weeks are those where I plan on Sunday and shop once and then cook according to plan. That is hell for my husband. He likes the spontaneous cooking. He does not want a planned meal.

Before we had children and we were both working, he was the chef. We often ate late or went out. It was a brutal shock for me when I had this child that needed to be fed something other than breast milk. I did a lousy job with my first kid and I think that is why he is a picky eater now. I fed him the same thing day after day and now he doesn't like very many meals.

I want to eat whole grain healthy foods. I want them to be tasty. I want low sugar, but I still want crunchy cookies. I wish I was better at this. I need someone to guide me in this! Oh one more thing, did I mention that it has to be totally milk free and no beef? I do use goat cheese and soy milk.

I need a personal chef.

What brings happiness?

I am a big Oprah fan. I was watching an episode today that I had recorded on my PVR (Canadian TIVO). It was one of the travel shows. Oprah went and visited an AMISH family. It was interesting to hear them talk about the AMISH way of life. The husband and wife, I don't remember their names, both described themselves as 100% content. Their way of life focuses on family and eschews material possessions.

I cannot imagine changing my life to be like theirs. I like electricity and my washing machine. They do use some technology, but they say that they like to choose the technology. They have an ideal life, based on life in the 17th century. I did agree though with the idea that a life spent in pursuit of material possessions is not fufilling. We are so screwed up in that we allow ourselves to be led into the belief that spending our money will make us happy. Of course, our economy would be in big trouble if we all stopped buying the endless crap.

I don't know why we value money instead of family. I know that having a parent staying at home is often not a choice for most people. We work like we do because we need to pay the rent. I am lucky right now that we were able to have a life where I can be a stay-at-home mom and we are still quite comfortable.

Nothing in life is more important than our families and yet we don't value mothering. It is something that is so important, yet we don't give any training in it.

It has taken me a long time to adjust to life without a career. We are trained to live in a pace that does not mesh with a happy home life. For a long time I felt lost without deadlines and project completions. How could I have value without producing something that others could purchase?

I need to get a poster on the wall that I look at each day that reminds me of the things that value. I have two happy kids. A husband that loves me. It is hard to stay focused on the things that matter. It is harder sometimes to figure out what are the things that matter.

Well, time to go nurse my youngest.

IVF

I have been reading Julie's posts lately and I have been reliving my past failures at IVF. We did 3 unsuccessful IVF cycles before we were successful. I have craptastic ovaries. I had a history of empty egg sacs. In fact, both of our children are DE.

Not being about to use my own eggs was a journey for me. I felt angry and ashamed for a long time that I did not respond to treatment. Finally I realized that for me, children would have to come from my heart. I thought of it as controlled adoption. There are a lot of things that come with this. We are going to tell our kids when they are older. I am not sure exactly how, but I know that it is the right thing. Right now, I have started with the "Mummy and Daddy needed a lot of help to get pregnant." I think of the Donor and feel such deep gratitude that she gave a piece of herself to us. Both of our boys are amazing.

I think of the unsuccessful attempts and I know I was never pregnant, but each failure was like a miscarriage to me. I didn't tell people at first when we were cycling. I did not want to face other people's feelings if we failed. I did tell people that we were trying IVF when we did our DE pregnancies. We have not told our families that the boys are from donor eggs. I did not want to face any crap about it. I guess they will find out eventually, if the boys tell them. I just want to tell our boys first.

I am certainly lucky that the rollercoast of IVF brought my husband and I closer together. It was not always easy, but it made me realize that he really really loved me. I am lucky that I have a husband that is emotionally present.

I really don't think that I have dealt with the grief of all of the failures. Someone suggested to my that I should write a letter to those boys and girls that did not make it and then burn it. Maybe I will blog that some day.

We transfered 3 donor eggs in IVF #4 and two took hold. I was horrified. I did NOT want twins. My husband was happy. It made me want to puke. Oh, maybe that was just the horrible morning sickness. Luckily for me, one stopped growing about 9 weeks in. I cannot pretend that I was not relieved. Of course, sometimes I wonder, but I never wanted twins.

In IVF #5 we transfered 2 eggs and both took hold. But it gets worse, one of the eggs split into monozygotic twins. I was pregnant with triplets and sick as a dog. We had testing done and it was determined that one of the MZ twins was not normal. We decided to do a reduction of the twins, rather than risk the whole pregnancy. You cannot take just one twin as they are in the same sack. If you miscarry, it will often take the whole pregnancy instead of just the one abnormal fetus. Unfortunately we had to do a six hour drive to find a doctor that would do it. In case you don't know, a reduction is done by injecting saline into the heart of the fetus. This stops the heart. So the procedure is much like amniocentesis. You have a technician who does an ultrasound and a doctor who does the injection. You have to lie still and breath easily. The doctor then inserts the largest needle that you have ever seen into your belly and into the unlucky fetus. Our doctor tried to do both at once. You increase the risk to the pregnancy when you insert the needle more than once. Unfortunately, fetus B took several hours to die, instead of the instant death that we had been told would happen. Oh yes, and then you carry the dead fetuses inside you until you give birth. They will calcify, but they will still be there. It was probably the worst day of my life. (The day that I thought I was miscarrying my first son is also on that list. Luckily that was just a little bleeding.)

I will NEVER tell anyone about the reduction. Why? Because I do not want my son to ever have to think about our having a reduction to increase his chances at survival. If I don't tell, then he will never know. Yes, it was a selfish decision that benefited the whole family. Triplets with at least one with serious problems would have had a huge negative impact of our life. I am sorry that it happened. I am sorry that we had to experience it. It is the worst case scenario. However, I know that was did the right thing.

I have two healthy happy sons. It was not the journey that I wanted to take, but I am happen with the destination.

Bad Email Correspondent

I am one of the world's worst email correspondents. Even when I was on the computer all day for my job, I rarely sent personal emails. It is not that I don't care for people, I do. I enjoy hearing from them. The question is why don't I do it? Fear of rejection? Laziness? Or is it on the list of things that I like to do and therefore do not allow myself to do. I know that it is twisted, but I know that I am not always happy when I am doing things that I like doing. I feel guilty, or maybe that I don't deserve it. I talked to a Psychologist about it once. She said that my comfort zone is not being happy, because I got used to it as a child. She said that you have to just do the things and get past the feeling, and in time you get used to being happy. (Note: Starting a blog is one of the things that I have wanted to do for a long time.)

In person I am very warm and friendly, but I hold myself back from making contact. I guess, like everyone else, I am afraid of getting hurt. This probably explains why I have lived in a new town for 15 months and have really no new friends.

I don't know where this is going, but I just wanted to say it.

Flashbacks

I am a big fan of "A Little Pregnant". Julie and Paul have such honesty and they have travelled the road that I have been on. She had a blog recently, Whisper words of wisdom that gave me such horrid flashbacks to my first 3 unsuccessful IVF treatments. I know that numbers 4 and 5 were successful, but that does not reduce the awfulness of the first 3 failures. Luckily for me my marriage was improved by the treatments, we pulled together and not apart.

I remember the first one, holy crap, the pain and fear. It was overwhelming. Someone needs to write a book with step by step survival instructions. I just remember how I felt like everyone was talking from far away and how I was sure that I was not taking everything in. It really strikes at the core of what you think of yourself when you are not able to get pregnant by getting lucky on a Saturday night.

I am so happy to have the family that I have. I sometimes wish I had a girl, but I am NEVER going through that again. I am DONE! I hated being pregnant. Of course, I was sick as dog through the whole thing both times. I had complications that were horrible. I had the worst whole body rash during the second one. Thank god for oatmeal baths! I had the experience of going to neonatal specialists. I can remember one doctor saying "Do not look up this test on the internet. Just wait for the results." Surprisingly I obeyed, at least until after the results came back negative. What a nightmare!

Oh man, it was just such a painful, wrenching time. My two boys are totally great and certainly worth it. I no longer have the angry moments when I think of my path. But hearing about Julie going through it. I hope that she is having an easier time. My thoughts are with her and Paul.

Judge Not...well...judge a little bit.

Okay, I know that it is hard to discuss other people's parenting styles without seeming like a total bi-otch but I was watching Surviving Motherhood and I heard something that made my eyes want to bug out.

There was a mother of a two year old and she was having problems with her girl running amok. Her husband wanted to spank, but she didn't. One of the woman, a sane one, talked about time out and consistentcy. She wasn't interested. Another woman talked about using PINCHING. This is what this woman thought was what she would try. ARGH! What the F**K!

Here is what I think is wrong.

1. Using pain and humiliation does not raise a child that is whole and kind. It raises a kid that is resentful. Your kid will behave irratically if your punishment is not fair, consistent and compassionate.
2. You and your husband need to agree to a strategy. Get together when your daughter is NOT listening. Write it down on a piece of paper. Apply what you decide like it is the word of G*d. Do it each and every time for a long time, at least 2 weeks, a month is better. After that review it and change it if you want to.
3. Consistency is of vital importance. Do what you say every time. Never break your word, and I mean NEVER. You cannot say "I am too tired this time." This is your kid and it is important every time. No excuses. Enforce the behaviour no matter what the reason is for it. Okay, fevers excepted, but other than that you must persist. Believe me, it is worth it.
4. Keep your cool. Going apeshit actually reinforces the behaviour because it is exciting. It may not be fun, but it is not boring.
5. Use simple terms to describe what you want. "Come here now" and not "Where are you going?" Small kids don't actually get everything that you say. Use simple, direct, firm commands for direction.

I find that it helps if I think of my kids as little scientists. They are just conducting experiments to see what happens. They are not actually out to get you.

Okay, I feel better now. But holly crap, Pinching!

Blogging etiquette

I wish I knew of a blog that told blogging etiquette. I mean. What are the rules of polite behaviour.

Sometimes it seems like reading a blog is most like evesdropping on a conversation. When is it okay to comment? Should you comment to say hello when you like someone.

There are blogs that I have commented on, but sometimes I wish I knew the rules.

Back from the Cottage

I am back from 5 days at my Mother's cottage. It was just my Mother, my sister and my two young kids. For the most part it was good. My sister is a bit tightly wound and was worrying about stuff that is beyond her control. It can be hard to relax when you are with a whirling top. All this pointless grind. On the other hand she was playing with the kids and I got in a few adult conversations.

The worst part of the whole event was the end. My mother is having the cottage painted. So it turned out that after my sister left we had to empty the closets and stuff like that. We talked and I told her what we had time to do before we left. I understood that she wanted to do more purging while going through the closets, but I wanted to leave so that we could do the 3 hour drive in daylight and in rhythm with the 4 hour cycles of my nine month old. Now mother has a very bad back, degenerative disks, and cannot do a lot of physical work. So I have to do all of the heavy work and keep and eye on the kids.

At 2 I tell her, "Mum we have to go now." She agrees with me, but keeps doing chores. This repeats a few more times. Finally, at 3 pm I have a very upset baby who has been in the car seat a while and the car is NOT MOVING and she is still puttering about. I was unhappy. Okay, I raised my voice a bit at my 78 yr old mother and told her we had to go. The word "please" was used, but it was a bit more emphatic than polite. Now lets be clear that she has always been like this and is not likely to change, but the passive aggressive, do one thing and say another is hard to take. It left a bad taste in my mouth. What can you do? You cannot pick your family.

Oh, an update on the wiping of the bottom. The lure of the toys finally won. My husband promised him a Playmobil Police Station if he wiped his own bum for a week. My oldest has now wiped his bottom two days in a row. Yippee!

Wiping your bottom

Well the hot topic at our house is teaching our 4.5 year old to wipe his bottom. He is one of those kids who loves napkins and keeping his hands clean. He gardens in mittens. How do you teach him? I have thought about bribery, uh incentives. He is a great kid, but he is resisting on this point and who can blame him. Maybe I should get one of those japanese toilets that does it all for you? Maybe that is not in this weeks budget?

We got him to poop in the toilet by letting him watch the inner workings of the toilet if he used it. He never made a mistake because he so wanted to watch the water. I am now very knowledgable about the inner workings on the toilet because of all of his "What is that?" questions. For a while our favourite book was the "Home How-To" especially the plumbing section. But, unfortunately, he is over that now.

I am not even sure what technique to use. Do you reach from the back or through the legs? I am afraid to do a web search incase I find out other things that I don't want to know about.

IndiGestion

I am up again with indigestion. I have no idea what is causing my problem. I try to go to bed and I cannot sleep because of gas pressure. I experience it as pains in my legs. I can sometimes sleep in my reclining chair, but not tonight. I am going to a specialist in September, but I am not hopeful. I think that it might be yeast. I know that I am yeasty and I have had yeast infections in my breast for both of my children. I have taken Maalox, but it has not helped yet. I don't want to try too much as I am still a nursing mother.

Recently my youngest started to eat more and nurse less. We are now on the 3 to 5 nursings a day. He is now really getting around. I have not yet childproofed everything. I am going to have to do it soon. My 4 year old would love to help me. He loves to do anything with tools. He is fascinated with anything mechanical and loves to study the process of how things work.

Maybe we will have an early nap tomorrow?

Back from a Vacation

Well, we are back from a vacation. We had my mother's cottage for a week. It was nice, but my husband didn't enjoy it much. The cottage is on Georgian bay and has a stone beach. My husband wants sand. I admit that the rocks are not as easy to get around on. M also got a big dose of two small kids out of their routine. Now I have nothing to complain about. I have two great kids, but overexcite them, a different routine and you can expect to have some issues.

I insisted on some naps and everyone got better almost at once. Me included.

It was nice to get away and the price was right. M said that he was going to book a vacation somewhere else, but he didn't get around to it. He works way too much. We are certainly stuck in the trap of choosing money over time. Now to be fair, he had no idea when he took the job that it would be 70+ hours each week. He cannot quit before 2 years or we owe the relocation expenses. So we have another year of sucking it up.

I wish there was another choice.

Natural Childbirth

I recently had a conversation that made me feel bad. I was talking to a woman who also had a new baby. I told her that yes, I had done natural childbirth for both children. I used hypnobirthing techniques of Marie Mongan. She talked about how she tried to do it for the second child, but was not able to. She had a look of wistful disappointment. It so often seems that we measure ourselves against this "perfect mother" and fail.

For my first son, I was induced because my blood pressure was up. So I was rested and the hynobirthing worked really well. I had practiced the techniques for 30 minutes a day for 3 months. I was READY! I have other medical issues and drug allergies. I was petrified to have any medical intervention. I have the Factor Five Leiden problem and I am allergic to iodine too. The body may look okay on the outside but it does not work as well on the inside. The nice thing about being induced is that you get your own doctor. At 6 am they started pitocin. They broke my water at about 9 am and he was born at 12:03 pm. I had about 6 hours of labour. It was able to stay with the technique for the whole time. He was born in the US in a great hospital.

For my second son, I started labour spontaneously about midnight and I was exhausted. The labour went really slowly. I was at 3 cm for about 12 hours, even after they broke my water. My son was born at 3:15 pm the next afternoon. I did not find it as easy, well easy is the wrong word. Labour is more like drowning than you might ever want to experience. My second labour was not as controlled as the first one. I struggled more at the end. I felt less in control. Though, that feeling of panic usually means you are almost done. I have to say that the Canadian hospital had great people, but looked more like a cheap motel compared to the US. I also did not have my own doctor, which is worrying for someone who has a complex medical history. I still felt bad for a long time afterwards because I had not been able to stay with it. I was not as calm with the second birth.

Of course, the whole point of this is to get a healthy baby. I got my healthy baby each time. Why do we have to do it perfectly? Why do we want to? The drugs don't hurt the baby any more. And yet, the look on that other Mother's face, like she had missed something important because she had not been able to go naturally.

Why do we even call it natural childbirth? Natural is a word that has no meaning. The opposite is either supernatural or unnatural? Here I am Volupto, the superhero, using my supernatural powers to push babies out of a vagina. More powerful than a speeding tricycle, able to leap tall breast pumps in a single bound!

New Start

Well I have been thinking about doing this for a long time. I think that I have something to say and so here goes. I am one of the older Moms. I had a long struggle with Infertility (10 years), but now I have two boys. I worked part-time with my first son but right now I am a stay-at-home Mom. My boys are 4.5 years and 8 months.

Okay, we are currently living in Markham, which is Toronto to those far away and the Greater Toronto Area (GTA) to the locals. I have lived in Arizona and Oregon. Loved Oregon and not so much for Arizona. We can talk about that later if you like. It has been a hard move. We wanted to come back to Canada to raise our kids so that they would feel Canadian. I loved our friends in the US, but Bush, well let's just say I think that he is pretty much satan himself.

Anyway, we ended up moving back to Canada when I was 6 months pregnant. I had a miserable pregnancy. I was sick as a dog and I had a full body rash for months. We lived in a Hotel for 3 months, a trailer for 2 weeks before we moved into our current house. It is hard to reach out and find new friends as a new Mom with 2 small kids. My family is 3,000 miles closer than it was, but they are still a good hours drive away. I have a great husband and a happy marriage but he works like a dog. It is a trap that so many of us fall into. He makes more and so he ends up being unable to quit. I would love to find a way around it, but it is so hard. I will probably go back to work when I stop breast feeding.

In this blog I want to talk about parenting, life and just reach out. So feel free to reach back.